let it all burn

I will burn first. Am I lost in your eyes?

Lame lines from the Hollywood Undead. Nice name, right?

Anyway, today I have kept myself together on a steady diet of xanax and goldfish crackers.

I need someone so badly. I can't understand this, I feel so lost.

Rick is going to a psychiatric ward apparently.

I wish I had some paint or something. I want to create.

Calling work, dad's gonna get my check and Imma buy myself somethin pretty :) I hope they did not fuck me on my last check. Dear Lordy I do so hope. I am such a broke ass. Egh, worried now. Going to go to Dr Mc M tomorrow to get a stronger prescription.

I am away
Imp C

everything has changed

Well I have just found out that my now ex had molested my younger sister on two occasions. Nothing like oral, but touching and shit.

I ask him about this and all he says is there was a time when I was talking to other guys and he would call and talk to her for hours, and came over a few times to hang out with her. REALLY, that young of a girl? I should have known this from those stupid fucking letters but I am the worlds biggest fool.

I don't know if I can feel. or what to do. i want to sink into oblivion and feel the sweet taste of a sour throat from nicotine.

I jus dont know what to do anymore...thigns between me and him had been going good,he was treating me well, we were actually doing okay and i loved him morethan ever. then there was a knock on his door at one oclock, and it was my dad and andrew, they didnt tell me until i was in the ccar, i had to turn around, if i needed aanything it was my cds. id left them, i could even look at him, touch him or anything, im so sick. i want to rip off this flesh and his as well. i want everything to be black, i want to dissapear.forever,its all my fuckin fault. no one will say it but i know its true.

i need to be scarred forthis. forever, to remind me of the faults of men and women. the disgusting underbelly of us all. fuck it all and trust no one.
six years thrown away on a child molester.

Frustrated as all Hell

I cannot stand my nine year old niece. I almost cry over the matter. She's fucking relentless.

I don't understand why she has singled me out. She treats me like such shit, and what do other adults say when she acts this way? NO ONE cares about reprimanding her, people will tell her so lightly that what she says is rude or not nice, but no one punishes her. They assume I provoke a nine year old girl, because I love having this kind of relationship with my niece.

I am so fed up I want to bawl and just slap the shit out of her. I will do my best to not let either of these happen. I know she is a child, and one who lost her father at that, but I was always nice to Kaylie, we always had a good relationship. And now I try even harder to be nice during those few moments that she decides not to act like a complete brat.

I'm so frustrated and lost, confused, feeling empty and just so completely fuckin lost.

Why does she still seek my younger sisters attention when they've always had a bad relationship? I don't get it.

I wish I could let myself cry.

AH

I just finished reading Once is Not Enough by Jaqueline Susann. Holy Goodness, talk about a freaking awesome ending!! Gave me goose bumps. Sooo creepy! Remind me to NEVER try acid.

Listening to Creed, they are surprisingly hard for a minutely Christian band. I loooove Freedom Fighter. Excellent tune. That and What if are my favourite songs by them :)

Plans are to go to Shawna's and Ryan's this Sunday, maybe the weekend if Shawna doesn't have any plans. I hope she is not mad because I left at 4 o'clock this morning because I could not sleep and felt shitty.

GAH! I hate this fuckin laptop, I am gonna go finish this entry in my room! fuck you, laptop!

Okay here I am. I checked my desktop and apparently since Pikachu(orange tabby male kitty) felt the need to sleep on my keyboard, there was all this crap loaded up. Including something about Wizard that he almost download =O. I love my kitties :D Theyre so cute and sweet.

I woke up with a horrible headache and feeling very tense. Took a shower, then realized I had a dream about work that involved the general manager hugging me a little too close. It was really weird, I thought about work at one point before passing out, but I didn't know I'd thought about it enough to have a dream like that.

I need one of those stupid looking keyboards so as not to get the carpel tunnel syndrome. EVERYONE MUST READ ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH BY JAQUELIN SUSANN

I'm sitting on my bed, Pikachu just came up to me and put his two front paws on my shoulder and put his head against my neck, CUTEST. THING. EVER.

Anyway, Imma go attempt to play Sly Cooper 2, wish moi luck

Love Love
Imp C

Operation Insomnia

At Shawnene's. Have yet to sleep. It's, according to the COMPUTER CLOCK, 4:46 AM, but according to SHAWNENE'S clock, it's 5:32 AM. WHICH TIME IS RIGHT?!

I'm wondering if my Mum is gonna be willing to give me money. I need litter, but no cat food, have a shit load of that. So $14 for litter, and then maybe an extra bit for a pack of smokes and something. I want a poker case!

Ryan and I were playing Texas Hold'em while Shawna watched Party Monster. Was quite fun and entertaining. He had to leave though to go on a trip til Sunday, I believe. Band thing for school I am told.

I want a keyboard so bad :/.

I wonder what I'll do when Shawna leaves. It's gonna be soooo boring! I could just get picked up but it's not like there is gonna be much for me to do at home. Of course I could just start cleaning the majority of the house and study. This is a possibility. But I wonder if it's pointless to study when you have not slept.

Blargh. Coffee, yum, my stomach has shrunk! Inside, I am hardly hungry. This is good, I hate eating a lot. I feel piggish.

Today is going to last forever :/. Sucksors. Well hopefully since I have this keyboard Shawna gave me I will be able to burn a few c.d's. I need Bob Seger, Creed, what else? Postal Service, Depeche Mode, David Bowie, some old 90's stuff. Oh yeah, I only got two fuckin c.d's I can burn anyway. I might jack a couple from Shawnene cause they gots a billion.

Well lookins at keyboards, wal mart has a decent one for only $139.99. I thinks I's go with that. This way I can also get some books on, say, tom waits? :P. Though I have a feeling his shit is insanely difficult. I wonder what I could learn that wouldn't be to insanely hard....oh well

Adios
Imp C

Frustrated

I was in the living room studying for the GED test, quietly listening to Citizen Cope, a soft rock band. It was insanely quiet yet my brother had to come in there and turn the volume almost all the way down, as if the peaceful quiet music was truly making him unable to sleep. Pissed me right the fuck off.

Recovering from last night. I cried so much, for that poor man and his family. Though I do believe he can find a nother job. Luckily I had comfort or I would have done something very stupid that i wont even describe.

I think im gonna apply at petco. i really wish i could study constantly, the GED book and the ACT, just constantly. Then as soon as those aare taken care of, I could start a short course for some medicaal office type work, a short program. My sister is doing one for six weeks, if i can find one for a medical assistant with not that long of time either, I shall be pleaseD. Otherwise I will do the certified nursing assistant and bath old people for ten to fifteen dollars an hour. Damn the perverted old men :/. Money is money though, so something quick and well paid so i can pay off my ticket and get myy drivers license.

my llife seems such a scramble right now. dunno what to do. iif you cant tell i wrote this on my shitty laptop. so yeah

aggravated love
IMP C

Crazy Night

Well in short, I caused a man with a young daughter and wife to get fired. Alcohol was snuck to the hostess' and the manager found out, we both quit. I feel horrid for getting him fired. Aside from that I don't care. Me and Paige will be job hunting tomorrow. Should be fun :)

Try to keep looking up! I Love my boyfriend and my life, I must keep positive.

Love you all

imp c

A Lost Day

Well, well, well, look at where I am.

I feel if I am with someone I will go insane, and if I am alone, just as well.

Waits and Bath help, along with more music. Got a bed now, and my t.v set up. Jus need a damn remote. Will be watching Twilight Zone later, I think.

I feel a bit out of touch with everything. Floating. I wish I could go off into the woods and just sit and listen to music and drink the days away.

Last night at work I was miserable in the last hour, working alone. I kept trying to remind myself of how lucky I was to even have a job, and one that pays $8 an hour. Whenever you think your life is shitty, think of the kids growing up in the slums. Always remember that something is better than nothing, no matter how shitty it may be.

Returning and leaving old friends. Flames arising, hearts dying, same shit, different day, over and over like a repeated tape.

I need some new fuckin music. I want to hear Blue Bayou.

Love you all

Imp C

Holy Hands

Been flippin knives. Bought a blue one today, same kind. I got Holy Hands.

Got some blue Boones Farm, tippin back and drinkin up.

Listening to Tool and Waits, downloading more of the latter so I can make a complete Waits c.d. It's amazing how relaxing his music is when you're half insane.

Its like playing Johnny Johnny. But with your palm! :D

Coconut flavor alcohol is good as all hella.

My hand is shaking :/

Where the FUCK is Shawna?!?! ARGAL BARGAL

Who are you to wave your finger, you must be out your mind.

I'm finally eating, a bagel. Yummy down on this!

Two Bottles of Blue

I will be getting two more bottles tonight. I've drank so much this week. Gonna keep it goin'.

I have discovered Blue Hawaiian is definitely the best out of all the Boones Farm.

Listening to The Doors.

Rick is depressing as fuck, had to talk to him since he decided he wanted me to take one of the cats and had this long ass convo. Nothings changed for me, though I pity him. He frustrates me and I frustrate myself. I want to forget it and move on.

I want to forget anyone I've ever loved and be able to stand being alone and not feel fucking insane.

Everything is just so ridiculously fucked up. FUCK

Feeling Insane

Listening to The Piano Man by some guy.

Feelin' a bit down at the moment. I'm such an obsessive bitch.

Giving myself a tattoo with my hot knife, literally. Burning blade then cutting heart into arm. Working semi well, will come out good in the end, I think.

Been drinking Kosher wine, down more so now than before.

Biding time, bored a bit, making c.d's since my PSP broke. Blows, but I am actually listening to more music now and my c.d player is louder so whatever.

Might be getting a laptop in the next few weeks. I so hope so.

Smoking more, drinking more. Oddity's.

Now listening to Careless Whisper by, that's right, George fucking Michael.

Such a sexy and sad song. :(

I got a sweet Hawaiian necklace thing. Or really a headband that I'm now wearing as a choker. .75 cent at Wal*Mart o' course.

Wow my life is a boring shithole. Whoopity fuckin doo.

Why does shit have to be so ridiculously depressing? >=/

Love,
Imps

Hopeless/Boones Farm

Sitting here drinkin alone, waiting for my furnd Shawna to come over. Bought a carton a smokes, the power is awesome!

My head hurts like a bitch, I think due to cheap wine.

I confessed a love to someone the other day and everything seems somehow different. Not bad and not good, strange to say the least.

Broke up with Ricardo today, or technically yesterday morning. Feel good about, refuse to dwell on it and am focusing on myself and other people.

I am pondering asking a guy out at work, or giving him some signals to ask me out. I know he's single and he thinks I'm hot so we'll see if that leads anywhere.

I am definitly not in a rush though.

Love
Imp

Depressiiiooon

Well I am a fucking slob!

Gives You Hell - All American Rejects

I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight which I did not even realize until, like, four fucking people had to point it out. My Mom, my boyfriends Mom, my sister, and I am sure others think it and just don't say it. I feel sickly and disgusted by myself. I am gonna start surviving on these slim fast drinks, buy a few cases and walk and so forth, borrow my brothers bike to ride and so forth.

Everything is tight on me and my stomach bulges and I find it disgusting, I can't stand to look at myself and I understand why Rick rarely fucks me, though he claims this to be related to his paranoia, which I am sure has some relevance but I know my looks do not help the matter. I have been cutting so much and he gets angry for this. Don't blame him, it is stupid emo shit.

I'm never gonna dance again, these guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it's easy to pretend, I know you're not a fool. I should have known better than to cheat a friend, and waste the chance that I've been given, so I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you. Time can never mend, the careless whispers of a good friend. To the heart of mine, ignorance is kind, there's no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find. ~ Careless Whisper - George Michael/Seether

I love that song, sometimes accurately describe how I feel. I also love jitterbug by Wham! lol :P

I need to download Zoolander! =O

Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law is my new favourite show, though it's already run it's course. Haha! Dislocation! Phil Ken Sebben is the best!

Wow this is a random ass post.

Well I am to be a business woman. And I have told my kin this, they were shocked and I was blunt. Painfully so even for myself. Newho, adios loves

Imp C

Meaning and things of some relativity

Arrested in Shanghai

Well I am wondering things. I will be taking my test soon because if I don't get into school I will be taken off fathers insurance. I am glad for this, I fear my own laziness and am glad for the incentive, something I have never really had.

Well I think I would like to own an apartment complex. A nice business that I could have run by a maintenance guy, and then I'd do accounting and all things officie, my schooling would be for this. Then I'd have my art on the side. Maybe I could paint the building, and each door. Make it unique place for individuals of true value to reside. I want to draw, do something that I love and earn from it. I don't need anything beyond my means but God I would love to do that.

And I know it is not impossible, or even remotely out of reach. Let us use the magical thinking and trust in your own belief for your desires. Constant thinking of achieving your goal, and working towards it.

I have cut myself quite a lot, but I've concealed it when needed. I am trying to become healthy.

I got wasted on Smirnoff and threw up a shit load in the toilet at Rick's. Fun.


I truly cannot remember the last time I had sex. I am disturbed by this fact and hope it is caused by two depressions being combined into a volatile relationship of years.

What is life and death, is this all that there is? Is there a point?

I take that back. Let's stop this needless drama.

Love
Imp

Tired and Weary?

Those are two of the same I do believe. I am so fucking exhausted now that I have gotten up to write something.

I have pictured an idea for a first of a gallery I would like to make. That is right ladies and gentlemen, I want to truly be a fucking artist. All I can do correctly is show my feelings through my odd creations and I wish to breath life into these and become known for them. I will make this happen. It is called magical thinking.

I want to get some oil pastels and a wide variety of color pencils, art pencils of different blacks, good sharpeners, powerful erasers, a large easel and have a dream come true. This is what it would be for me to be able to eventually profit from this. A dream. A true dream and goal.

A have made past mistakes of ignoring my flaws, leaving me to believe I could do something I could not, least without years and years of studying(medicine). Now I know this is something near to me, just how to get your things out there. How to get people to notice you. I need a solid job and career to pay for my dream, which I will do. Something office wise to keep me decently paid. I will do this. I must, it is all I can do.

Love you all
Me

Roxanne

You don't have to put on that red light!

Man, do I hate hookers! :P

Newhos..., I have been kicking ass at Bioshock, such fuckin fun, I could play that game a thousand times and not get tired. The voice acting is so good, along with the weapons and fighting style, never gets boring. Enemies are constantly challenging.

I downloaded the theme song from House M.D. :O :D Aweesomeness.

So I am on a diet of yogurt, carrots, strawberries, juice, waters, coffee, nicotine and weed. Occasional goldfish snacking. I got lettuce but I'm hoping it only tasted shitty because it was warm. I wanted soymilk but I couldn't find any :/

There's no point to this diet but to lose some damned weight, I will try to exercise but I cannot be consistent enough.

I am occasionally highly disgusted by myself. I also have a razor, brand new and sharp, but I've resigned from using it so far, then again I really haven't had a strong urge. I hope there are few to come.

Downloading Jimmy by Tool, turns out this was the name to the song I'd been looking for for forever! Lots of fors there....

Weeeeell I am dirty and must wash, reading House of Sand and Fog btw and is incredibly good and addictive, I don't understand why I am not done with it yet. I've gotten slower at reading :( Must regain speed! Anyway, I am going to plug in my psp so must unplug internet. Love you Loves
Adios

Imp C

Career Confusion

So I was taking this career test and it asks what area you want to work in, okay understandable though frustrating, but then it asks the specific area. How am I supposed to know that if I am taking the fucking test?

Well I already know I want to become a Medical Assistant and then something worth more cash. Medical Assistants in the south make about $26,000 a year. Very good compared to what I am making now, obviously. Still I want something earning me a huge pay check of AT LEAST $60,000. Though I want to find something making me $100,000. I want to be very comfortable but not ridiculously rich because the majority of rich people are fucking assholes. Okay I take that back, generalizing is always wrong. But still, I've met few rich folk who are good people.

I think I've found what I want. Anesthesiologist Assistant. $95,000-$100,000. SWEET!!!

As I have said, or maybe I haven't. I had been considering a career as an actual Anesthesiologist for quite a while, but I am concerned as to whether or not I will be up to all the studying, so I am still not sure about this until I actually get to school. And of course everyone is incredibly doubtful in the worst way.

Anesthesiologist Assistant Career Description: Anesthesiologist assistants (AAs) are members of the anesthesia care team who have completed an accredited academic and clinical training program. The Anesthesiologist Assistant works under the direct supervision of an Anesthesiologist, and administers various forms of anesthetics to patients undergoing surgery. The Anesthesiologist Assistant responsibilities may include:

* Pretesting and calibrating of anesthesia delivery systems and monitors
* Collecting preoperative data and performing physical examinations
* Inserting venous, arterial and other invasive catheters
* Any duties which encompass assistance of the implementation of the anesthetic plan as prescribed by the anesthesiologist
* Airway management including intubation, fiber optics
* Making anesthetic adjustments using intraoperative monitoring modalities
* Providing safe transition from operating room to recovery area
* Performing functions in the intensive care unit and pain clinic
* Participating in administrative affairs, research and clinical instruction

Wow, that sounds scary as Hell lol. Still incredibly interesting and very well paid. I am wondering, though, how long it will take. I would need 2,500 hours it says. How long is that college and uni wise? Hmm, must seek more info!

Oh shit, there's only four schools for AA's, and non are in Texas! Wtf?! Gah! I need help :'(

Well Surgical Assistants are well paid, about $51,000. I think I am gonna have to go into Medical Degree, M.D bitches. I must, it's the only way I can become so paid. I know a girl whose becoming a doctor, probably a neurologist she says, and she can't even read any books until spring break because shes so busy studying. Ugh, I wish I could be studying now. UGH WTF BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!

I am angry at myself, I want to be better, smarter, etc., I need training!

Loves guys and gals!
Imp C

My Bad!

Haven't posted anything in a while it seems! Been spinning in and out!

I had a crush on an Indian girl =O then I lost it because she said she couldn't spare a bowl when I was told she had bought a baggie earlier in the day. I am sparing with my weed and have always spared cigarettes when I was low, so I don't appreciate it. Not to mention she is an odd one, refusing to take my last cigarette if I offer it and so forth, she is strange yet alluring and loud and very skinny. I wonder if she is anorexic, can't afford food, or just has a ridiculous metabolism. I wonder and wonder...

Still, nonetheless and albeit are strange words yet I like them!

Anyway, I want to get this girls e mail and exchange thoughts. She is studying psychology and wanting to become a neurologist. Not odd since she's Indian but odd because she lives in incredibly ghetto apartments with her abusive boyfriend. It's an odd mix, and they are quite explosive, especially when alcohol mixes. Anywho!

Rick is being a bit pissy constantly complaining because he left his weed out and the cats knocked it down, even though I had been telling him to put the shit up and instead he leaves it out and there ya go! So we are weedless, cigaretteless, I AM getting $7 from Lacey so hopefully I can find someone to spare me a dime and then let me pay them $3 back later on.

Well oddly enough I began cleaning my room, I have taken out all the dirty clothes and thrown away enough stuff to make an immovable trash bag. I've swept it all and have a bit left, but for the most part the difference is miraculous. I feel glad for the kitties that they have cleanness now. Apparently my brother has found someone to take a black cat, and so have my boyfriend, so then that'll leave me with my super sweet male tabby called Pikachu. I am considering keeping him. I would need to get him fixed because Rick has four cats and he is going crazy, so I will take my JiJi and Motor back once he is fixed.

I called to inquire about my GED taking. It will cost $41 and there is a (LAME) mandatory orientation and some other shit I have to do before taking it, but apparently they are full for March so it will be in April. I am almost positive I will fail the writing section. Though I intend to do my best, my best was not good enough last time.

Anyway, going to play BioShock I suppose. There's nothing here to eat, I am quite hungry...:/

Calling my Mom, trying to get her to bring home some food. Egh, though I don't want pizza nor cinnabons. Egh, so hungry :(

Love Love
Imp C V K

Feeling Randy!

So I am obviously a horny ho! Don't know how long it's been @_@ too long is all I know...

Newho! Took two codeine for what ails me, my damn wisdom tooth! I hate the dentist because they scrutinize my ability to take care of me teeth. As long as I have not lost any yet, I'm good(I've lost one tooth btw).

So I actually(prepare to gasp) watched Highschool Musical Three with my niece Kaylie. It was durable, luckily there were very few spouts of humor for me to giggle at, and it was quite sparkly. Kaylie was dancing and acting crazy cute so it was reasonably fun. Though she did keep trying to get me to dance with her.

Well I will be working with a new hostess today. I will be training her of course, and I am trying to figure out how not to be overwhelming and not too informative. I'm not that great of a teacher and I remember how when I first got there I had a bit of trouble, mostly with the customers of course. I just hope she stays and does not quit after the first day ^-^

Here is a very small portion of what I'm writing, it is the beginning of the story, and I think I will revise it some more when I can think of better words and sweeter, smaller details.

Tallis Battles
The beginning of the Battles
Part One

E-Mana was a desolate planet. It was lush with life, but no creatures roamed the vast lands. It was quiet and beautiful.

However the God Natrul Sine found this planet to his liking, and the deity decided to bless this planet with his children. He gathered stardust and molded four beings. Natrul laid them on the soft earth and laid a finger on each forehead. All silver eyes opened and focused on Natrul.

"You will be my people, and you will be the Sanseins. You will be great warriors to protect this planet from others who try to dirty it with their sinful ways. Become strong, and live by my laws, if this is done, rewards will be reaped."

The four beings, who were two females and two males, nodded silently and went to their knees before the God, commencing the first prayer.
~END

Watching Meet the Robisons. Loves this movie ^.^. I love Goob :D.

Well I must take a bath and relax before work, also I've got to catch up with my Bioshock :D I love this game so hard!!

Love you Lovelys
Imp San

Difficulty in Writing

I have no idea how people manage to write whole frikkin' books!

I have written a total of ten not very long paragraphs and feel crazed! I keep revising and adding, hoping to make it an addictive read. I know this will not be my best, but I hope to make it something that someone will enjoy. I'd love to be able to write professionally, I've always been quite creative, and I think that may be where my true calling lies.

So about to eat Easy Max TRIPLE CHEESE BITCHES! And going to watch Pagemaster because I am the hugest dork you will ever find :P

Speaking of which I need to find some good Sega Genesis games to download! Been pimpin' that Yoshi but I want a different system and some more gaaaames! I love old systems :D

So newho....my frikkin tooth is killin' me lately. A corner of the tooth has emerged and it's been forever and nothing else has shown. Think I must go dentisting. I hate going because they always get angry at me for not getting any better on the tooth front. Oh shwell!

Well I am off to play Yoshi and shizzal. Talk to you lovely bitches later

Loves
Imp C

I Don't Care

Apocalyptica fuckin' rocks!

'bout to get some Trust Co. on my PSP.

Ugh, I'm organizing my music folder and there is sooo much shit not in labeled folders! Gah!

Listening to Easy Come Easy Go from the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack. Lovely tune. I must learn to play the piano!

So I am enjoying twitter as impychaos.

Dude, I made awesome steak today. Talk about orgasm in your mouth!(the good kind, not the sour milk type :P)

Newho!

Tired, stoned, want another cigarette but I shan't kill myself any quicker then is already being done.

Shall brush my teeth instead!

How would you like it if someone came up to you and informed you that when they were young their mother would give them an enema with Dr Pepper and then make them drink it?

Did that make you throw up a bit?

Yeah, me too.

Go to www.cracked.com and enjoy the hilarity that is cracked!

Loves
Imps sum

Girlfriend Tales

My compassion is broken now
my will is eroded now
desire is broken now
it makes me feel alive
im on my knees and burnin'
my piss and moans are the fuel that sets my head on fire
so smell my soul burn
im broken lookin' up to see the enemy
and i have swallowed the poison you feed me
but i survive on the poison you feed me
guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed
and it makes me feel ugly
on my knees and burnin'
my piss and moans are the fuel that sets my head on fire
im dead inside

shit adds up, shit adds up, shit adds up, shit adds up at the bottom

if i let you, you would make me destroy myself
in order to survive you, i must first survive myself
i can sink no further, and i cannot forgive you
there's no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you
ive gone to great lenghts to expand my threshold of pain
i will use my mistakes against you, there's no other choice
im shameless now, im nameless now, im nothing now, im no one now
but my soul must be iron 'cause my fear is naked
im naked and fearless
and my fear is naked

dead inside, dead inside, dead inside
nameless now, shameless now, nothing now, no one now
shit adds up (x4)
and you see me naked now
fearless now, naked now (x2)
shit adds up
it leaves me dead inside (x4)

hatred keeps me alive
angriness keeps me alive
weakness keeps me alive
guilt keeps me alive
at the bottom

So I awoke this morning at 11 o'clock. Of course, I was SUPPOSE to be awoken at 10 but whatever...my Dad is going to drop me and my Mum off at the Mall and we're going to use her boyfriends car to pick up my check/cash it/get groceries I need.

So this is crazy! My Mum and her b/f have been together for like a year or two. They had also been with one another five or ten years ago but he ended up moving. WEEEELL! Both of them were married, though separated. My mums been separated for ten years or so, he has been sleeping in his closet in their bedroom. Also, whenever him and his lady would engage in certain AKTS she would berate him with "is that all you got?" What a ho =O

So basically last night he told his lady and kids that he has a girlfriend!!! >.< I feel extremely trashy now...lol whatever. Reality is a bit more obscene :P

So that's a bit crazy, that's what I woke up to! Being told that stuff...wtf?

Angel with the Scabbed Wings - Marilyn Manson

Been listening to old Marilyn Manson and mostly old but some new Tool. Also listening the Bloodhound Gang but I don't know if the album is old or not. Has Three Point One Four, Take a Right Turn Clyde, Long Way Home, on it so whatever that tells you....

There are thoughts born to keep you awake at night. So just when you drift off, they poke the shit out of you and force awareness down your fucking throat. I am the home of all thoughts like this. It isn't as fun as it sounds(surprisingly, I know). Well I don't know where I was going with that!
~Imp C

Where could he be?

I went to the apartments and Rick was nowhere to be found. I am sure he wasn't sleeping, unless he was completely and utterly wasted, which is a possibility but I have a strong feeling this is not the case. I have other deep feelings that something very wrong is going on, or has. I feel as though I need to leave him. My paranoia is really taking hold. It's never been so strong before, I used to not really have a trust issue with him but not my mind won't stop and I want to rip my fucking brain out and I want to cry and I want to be held and I need love and I need him and I don't know what to do anymore.

Don't be alarmed. Tomorrow I will buy some knives. The good thing about cutting is that it can be hidden from all, in fact I probably won't write about this again because I don't want to hear shit from anyone thinking I'm looking for attention. This is my fucking blog so I am going to state what I want.

Newho, the thing about cutting is that if your mind is driving you nuts, as mine often does, you can cut and your endorphins are released and you can calm down again. I believe this will be a time of abusing my stomach or legs, probably stomach, I don't want anyone seeing what I do to myself. I've got so many scars, I won't mind more, not for my own safety at least.

I truly despise this bipolar disease which makes everything horrible and wicked and so damn depressing. Sometimes I wish for blissful ignorance to fall on me but then realize I would lose the very few meaningful connections I have.

I cannot look at a family members face without reliving my own silent nightmare of molestation. Because knowing what's gone on leads to an open door of horrible thoughts that I cannot stop. Thoughts that literally make me grab or shake my head, make me look away from the person. I feel like some horrible freak who should be taken away from my family and children, for fear that I should damage them more than I have. I know I am a bastard, such a fucking bastard. I've destroyed so much and created so little. I can truly say I have three connections, one being Rick, one being someone I've never even met, and the other is one who probably considers me just a friend, not a good one, but a friend.

I want a cigarette and the fattest joint ever made. I will get these items tomorrow and I will smoke like I've never smoked before. Now I am going to write my story for a bit, add in details, maybe if I deam it good enough I'll post a bit for you.

Love Loves
VAK

Wondering.....

Should I have given Rick a chance to say something? He came over and all I said was "What?". I was pissed of course because he did act dickish, but I wonder if he was going to apologize or something. Makes me wonder....and of course I want to go over there. I don't think I will, the main think I'm worried about though is getting up in the morning to go and get my check. I think I may go by there and see if I can borrow his phone to use as an alarm, see what happens from there. See what his fuckin ass is up to. I've gotten as paranoid as he now. I wonder if things he has told me have been lies, if he is covering for something. I am becoming more and more positive that it is. I don't know what to think anymore. Occasionally I wish there WAS another here for me just so I could end it. Then there are the times when he's holding me and kissing me and nothing could feel more right than that. He holds my heart but likes to throw it against the wall, or so it seems. I don't know. I am a bit confused now....>.<
Love you Loves, keep me in your thoughts
Imp C

Writing Stories and Feeling Positive

So I have been writing something I'm calling Tallis Battles. About two races, the Biocly versus the Sansei. What ends up happening is that both races get their own top male and female warriors, the warriors breed and the single offspring of both races will be destined to battle until one wins, thus ending the war and putting whatever race loses under the other. I haven't got all the details worked out but it's a nice side project I feel commited to.

I have been feeling a bit better about certain things! I am drawing more, and using pencil, thus improving my drawing technique. I am obviously writing a bit more. I am still depressed as always but that will always be there and I will have to work through it.

The thing I do not like is certain thoughts and images my mind produces for me to watch like a film. I'll be sitting in the car and have an image of my opening the door or falling out. Or if I have the window rolled down I'll imagine my glasses flying off my face and being crushed. Overall stressful things. The thing is, I don't consciously think these things. I like being driven around(I have no license) I enjoy watching out the window and normally am thinking something else entirely when these thoughts arise. I also have more disturbing thoughts that pop up which are related to an incident when I was molested. It feels weird "saying" that, getting it out....it's weird how a word like that can make you feel so fucking dirty. Oh well, past is past and dead is dead, right?

Love you my Loves!
Imp

So Sad :'(

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/960931196.html

So I am just frustrated in general. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't remember the last time I was this upset with Rick. Fucking fucker. Gah, I don't know what to dooooo!

I'm Baaack :P

Yeah fuck everything, like always.

I am a bit pissy, what a fuckin surprise.

Rick was horrid last night. Letting me know how much of a bother I'd been, and how I was annoying him and acting childish by talking to him. He was so fucking cruel. And yet he seemed surprised when he showed up and I asked what instead of a hello or anything. I don't even want to look at that motherfucker. He knows how much I love him and how depressed I was but he's so stuck in his own depression all he could do was be so fucking hateful. Fuck him. FUCK THAT SHIT.

My fear begins to fade, recalling all of the times, because I have died, I will die, it's alright, I don't mind ~ Tool H.

I want to download Eleven by Tool but I can't find it anywhere. I was also playing a SNES rom called E.V.O Search for Eden and I am stuck at this fuckin bee boss. Fucker!

Basically I am unhappy. It's a shame because Rick and I had been getting along quite well, then all this shit goes down and it's all fucked. I walked home from there in the freezing cold because I'd bother him even if I just slept on his couch(despite the fact that, for whatever reason, he was sleeping in his closet instead of his bed). What the fuck? Seriously...I am so confused, I don't want to touch him, I want him to fucking beg for forgiveness before he thinks of touching me. I swear to this, men are despicable pigs.

Unfortunately I like the feeling of dick so I could never go gay :/ or even bi for that matter, I find some chicks attractive but I find no pleasure in the idea of being with one, let alone actually doing so.

Why are the vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast majority of men so disgusting? :/

Love you all
Vezerie