Death

It is a dirty word for us,
It has the copper of blood we have already tasted,
Something far too familiar
Far to serious
We recognize it from any angle and breath in as it approaches
with a bow
it passes
Safe for another day
Years and years of knowing

Fucking Coffee Chancre Sore

Self Absorbed Chancre Sore,
Love you Like a Matador,
Life is Just a Metaphor,
Nothings Fair,
Love is War,
Nothing More

Mushroomhead Chancre Sore

Gotta love them motherfuckers, they rock the cats box like a motherfucker. Seriously, I love this band man.

WELL, I am stonededed

Yeah, it's pretty fuckin cool.

So, who the fuck are you? What do you wanna do? Who the fuck are you going to be? What are you doing to improve yourself? Now, do you like how you answered these questions? Shut the fuck up and do something fuckin damnit.

Get a move long


V

poem

so sitting here
biding time
until i drive in the ax
i step on your back and push it
deeper into you
and then i take it out and kiss you and wipe wounds
jus to drive in the blade
and this time i willl twist
and you will feel it all and I will feel it some
watching you, breaking me, reaching and choking me
and I cry and it burns but what must be one is what must be done!
this is the end of the story
nevermore will our heads touch and thoughts connect
I am killing you from here
be gone

High Tension Cecile de France

Well I feel so screwed on what to do. Should I jus leave him or jus ask tha he must move out. I still feel so strongly for him, but there are times where I feel like I don't care as much as I should. I don't want to be playing with his feelings. I know this is gonna ruin him. How do you make yourself stop caring about how they are? I am going to be thinking of him up alone by himself, slicing, crying and feeling so much worse than me, I am sure. I swear it's like I am killing a part of him.

I am sorry I keep bitching that is what this is for. I will tell him. Oh my oh my, wish me luck!

v

Queen Bitch

So this is a good fucking point, right?

I was bitching to Shawna about how this decision of leaving Rick, especially after sleeping with him las night, isn't as hard as, oh say, her sisters?

I felt so guilty, and Shawna told me how she is also, of course :(, having a hard time cause her bf is moving far and won't have a car and I know how that sucks actually. When Rick was in Jail, Rehab, and Baytown. So I guess I do know how she feels. We both know we have to help each other and know that it could be so much harder and there will be harder points later on.

Now I want to do something for Sarah, I wish I could watch him for her or something, so she could get rest. I just don't think I could, I wouldn't know what to do or what helps. I wish I could help. Maybe Shawna and I can figure out something when Kaden is out of the hospital.

Oi, I am in a low, and of course I am going to be on my period soon so that doesn't help. Not to mention I don't have my meds. Eeeegh....

UNDER PRESSURE, gotta love David Bowie and Queen, fuck yeah.

How do I go about doing this? I am so fucked.

BIG Mistake

Shit, I fucked up. I fucked up bad. Damn me, what the fuck is wrong with me and what the fuck do I want? How did I fuck up? Well thas it exactly. We fucked. I am so fucking weak, shit. He is passed out right now and here I sit wondering what the fuck I am gonna say if he thinks this means everything is cool. Shit, I am such a fucking idiot. FUCK

What am I doing to you
Jus fucking with you
I feel as though I will be the death of you
But isn't that a tad concieted?
This feels like a dream?
Yes it does, I never imagined I could do this to you
For the best of you you must go
You are not safe here
No caring soul is
In my land I will eat your caring and loving alive
You screaming and twisting as I swallow
Don't come near stay away
For the best of you


V

Queen of the Damned

The movie had some okay parts but the best thing was the music;

Walking, waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping, and hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think it's cool to walk right up
To take my life and fuck it up
Well did you
Well did you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by suprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Walking, waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping, and hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think its cool to walk right up
To take my life and fuck it up
Well did you
I hate you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by suprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I've slept so long without you
It's tearing me apart, too
How to get this far
Playing games with this old heart

I've killed a million petty souls
But I couldn't kill you
I've slept so long without you

I see Hell in your eyes
Taken in by suprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I see Hell in your eyes
Taken in by suprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside
(repeat to fade)

You fell away
What more can I say
The feelings evolved
I won't let it out
I can't replace
Your screaming face
Feeling the sickness inside

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine

So many words
Can't describe my face
This feelings evolved
So soon to break out
I can't relate
To a happy state
Feeling the blood running side

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine

Why is everything so fuckin hard for me
Keep me down to what you think I should be
Must you tell me and provoke the ministry
Keep on trying I'm not dying so easily

Why is everything so fuckin hard for me
Why is everything so fuckin hard for me

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine


Oi, I feel shitty, fucking boyfriend and I jus had screaming fight on phone, lossa fun. Oi, I am ridiculous, I need to find something to do other than pine away in a dark room blogging and listening to depressing ass music. Actually, with what I am doing now, why do I have to? I can chill the fuck out for once I think. However I feel like a lazy motherfucker, shite. What am I gonna dooooo? I don't know shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit sht shit


Fuck


Lossa Love

V

Poemeded

I left you for reasons you will never understand
and you sit there and you abuse
i try and try to distance and then you crawl through
and now times are harder and i am unsure
how hard i can be
in times of sadness grief rapes me
and i am aftermath
an adavan child sitting and tilting
staring but not seeing
you are not here
you try to be
be gone lost soul
your time for me is extiguished

One by One Till we Are All Alone

"Nowhere To Go"

Morning's gone
Echoes of dawn
Shaking my soul
All but done
Delirium
The rain with the cold
With nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

Nowhere to go

(we've been brought here for a reason
Be it fate, or internal treason
Souls will be saved,
Or mutiny's waged,
As we plead for something to believe in)

Ringing doubt
Full of ways out
Of something to hold
I errode
Fade like cologne
Shrink inside as i departe the throne

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

With nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

One by one til we are all alone

(have i survived)

Nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)
Breathe yet I
Can feel the knife
Widening this great divide
Confession of a fallen king
I'd do almost anything
Die to be your everything!)

If i could end this waking dream
Escape through a scream
And feel i'd won some way
Wade through this dark decay
Welcome an early grave
And put my heart away
To start another game
Its getting old
With nowhere to go

(Hollow hides
From life's embrace
Echoes siren,
My displace
My patience lies
Beside my faith
Denial behind this painted face)

All alone
More than you'll know

One by one til we are all alone

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

With nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

Shrink inside as i depart the throne

(have i survived?)

Nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body
Have i survived)

One by one til we are all alone

With nowhere to go [x2]
Theres nothing left to lose
Do what we have to do.
What do we have to prove... to you?
Theres nothing left to lose
No where to go

This song is the motherfuckin' shit, this I swear, possibly my favourite Mushroomhead song. Gotta love J-Mann. So Shawna's nephew Kayden is in the hospital and I am going to go with them to see him, I took off work and such.

I am nervous and hope I can be of some help. I always have no idea what to do. It sucks, Shawna is insanely good with kids and I am jus awkward. One more day to regret, mushroomhead is the shit.

Goin to Work with a Lie in my Pocket

For some reason I don't want to tell anyone at work about my situation. However I think I should simply for the fact that I am very distracted and normally make hardly any mistakes, and yesterday I was doing bad. I think if the female manager is there I will tell her so she can understand why I might be slow and distracted or crying n such. I jus hope it isn't to busy or there will be alot to do. But still my mind wonders and there is not enough to think about other than my current situation.

Oh yeah I didn't say earlier but I got drunk as HEEEELL last night. It actually helped alooot. Wine Merlot, some brand with a Kangaroo on it, is very tasty. I was gulpin that shit by the end. Over half the bottle, I hope Debbie doesn't get angry >.>. I had fun chatting las night and taking pics though.

Oi, but then Rick txt Shawna and I had her phone cause I was using it for pictures. So I told him I was okay how was he because I had seen what he did. He said he jus wanted to know how I was doing. For some reason I called him and he ended up crying and saying he had to go and hanging up. We talked three times. I need to do reps.

I am gonna run on treadmill now, I am sure I will have something to post about tonight.

Veeeezeeeerrrriiie

oh yes and that ^ is a pic from las night during drunkeness, and I was crying though you cannot tell :(

It's All About Us

I don't care what CERTAIN ESKYS think, I like this song by Tatu. Too damned catchy.

Well I cried while taking a shower. Can't stop, I randomly think of things that remind me of good times me and Rick had and even now I feel on the verge of tears. Shit.

Well I talked to my brother Andrew, youngest of boys but three years older than me. We are planning on getting a tattoo together for my birthday, and I guess for his since ours are exactly a month apart, strange huh? Well I plan on getting a picture of an evil smiley face on my right calve, outer side. I think of getting coloured but that would make it one houndred so I am gonna see how much it would be with no colour.

Well I did not explain but I broke up with Rick yesterday. There is like a fucking huge hole in my heart. It hurts, feels as though I am bleeding from the inside. Shit. It was for my and his best. Though I didn't realize that it WAS for him also, whether he would believe at this point or not because before he asked and I said no it wasn't for him. How else is he to realize and possibly get initiative to better himself and do something about his life. I feel for him damn it. I know him so well now. He was crying and bleeding and I had to go by my house today(he is staying there until he can move out, I am staying at best friends Shawna) and he was there sleeping. I then went and got into the shower and that's when the crying started, it was sudden and uncontrollable and I could feel the tears through the water.

Luckily I have my friends Shawna, her boyfriend Gera, and of course Dr. Esky who has the prescription :D.

Cause I am stronger now, since you crawled away your so far away...

I love Trust Company, you wanna tear me down you wanna hold me down you cant control me now, but you cant cause I'm stronger now.

Wow this song goes surprisingly well with my situation. I love downfall, bad ass song.

Yay, popcorn, trying to distract my eyes so they won't break me. Shit, I feel horrid. Apparently Shawna's mom, Debbie, whom is a good lady, wants to speak with me about my situation. When I called Shawna after I broke up with him I talked to her mom and asked if it would be okay if I stayed for a few days until Rick could leave, she said yes. She is a really good woman, Ms Debbie, she bought wine and let me drink some, I didn't mean to drink over half the bottle >.<. I hope she doesn't get pissed if she hasn't seen it. I needed it, and it helped me relax. I appreciate these people so much. Oh yes, they bought me creamer for coffee also! Who does that? Only awesomely nice understandable people. I love my second family who sometimes feels like my first. It's funny cause yesterday I was gone for like, four hours, and Shawna called and said she was wondering if I was coming back cause she missed me :*). Jus bring a tear to a glass eye, as my dad would say. I am not use to kindness but what should you expect of someone you've known for a lil over twelve years? Shawna is awesome and my physical opposite but in the head we are both crazy hyperactive bitches. I love me friend so heres a pic of her instead of the tatt I want, which I will post later.

I didn't know you could have more than one pic so the smiley face is the tatt I want, and it's gonna be about the size of a c.d.

Songs I Like

"Bitemarks & Bloodstains"

My or may we be this way forever?
Tell me lover what will become of the other
Bones, skin, nails and flesh
On a bed of lack of passion, a medieval consequence
They worry you with all the talk of how your not their kind

Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
There is always one more fault

Now adjust it, you must trust me darling
Subsequentially it seems you deserve more than me
They bury you while wearing garments of funeral fire

Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
There is always one more fault
Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
There is always one more fault

This will hurt you, it's killing me
This will hurt you, it's killing me
This will hurt you, it's killing me
This will hurt you, and I will to, and I will

Bloodloss, bloodlust, for this girl
Bloodloss, bloodlust, for this boy
Bloodloss, bloodlust, for this girl
Bloodloss, bloodlust, for this boy, this boy

But now I punch a wound and once again forgive my sin

Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
There is always one more fault
Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
This is forever
There is always one more fault
This is forever

"Solitaire Unraveling"

Locked Away In A Cage
My Rage Has Got The Best Of Me
Time Finds A Way Each Day
Of Leaving Less Of Me Behind
I Find This Fight Must Be Won
Inside The Mind
So Uptight And Confined
Often Blinded By The Light
Taking It's Toll
On My System
Like Some Played Out Existence
Time Ticks Away
These Last Few Moments
Is There Anything
We've Left Unsaid?
I'm On A Quest
For Atonement
I've Got To Find Piece Of Mind
And A Place To Rest
Biding My Time
Until I'm Strong Enough
To Fight Back
Hope,
I Hope Against Hope
For Some Resistance
Been Taking It Out On My System
Rest-There's A Calm Before The Storm
And The Western Front Is Quiet
I've Got Rembrandt As My Right Hand
And Solo As My Pilot
Condemned Man
Condemned
Convicted Man
Convicted
Could Not Save My Life
Cutting Strand By Strand
Passing It Off
Like Some Kind Of King
You Don't Know Peace
'til You've Had Suffering
I've Suffered
All Of Your So Called Resolve
But You Haven't Tasted Pain
Have You Ever Been Inside
Of The New Masterpiece?
Rest
Have You Ever Been Inside?
Rembrandt As My Right Hand
And Solo As My Pilot
Have You Ever Been Inside
Of The New Masterpiece
Condemned Man
Condemned
Convicted Man
Convicted
Could Not Save My Life
Cutting Strand By Strand
Strand By
Strand By
Strand By Strand
Condemned

"The Bird And The Worm"

He wears his heart
safety pinned to his backpack
His backpack is all that he knows
Shot down by strangers
whose glances can cripple
the heart and devour the soul

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he crawls
like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

Out of his mind away
pushes him whispering
must have been out of his mind
mid-day delusions of pushing this out of his head
maybe out of his mind

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he
crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

All he knows
If he can't relieve it it grows
and so it goes
he crawls like a worm
crawls like a worm from the bird

Out of his mind away
pushes him whispering
must have been out of his mind

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he crawls
like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

All alone
he's holding his breath half to death
Terrified to save his life
he crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm
crawls like a worm
crawls like a worm from a bird


"Attack"

I won't suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, or give up what I
Started and stopped it, from end to beginning
A new day is coming, and I am finally free

Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll aa-WHOOOAAAAAAAAA

I would have kept you, forever, but we had to sever
It ended for both of us, faster than a
Kill off this thinking, it's starting to sink in
I'm losing control now, and without you I can finally see

Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll aa-WHOOOAAAAAAAAA

Your promises, they look like lies
Your honesty, like a back that hides a knife (knife)
I promise you (promise you)
I promise you (promise you)
And I am finally free

Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll attack, I will attack

Run away, I'll attack, I will attack
Run away, I'll attack, I will attack

Run away (Run away), I'll attack (I'll attack)
I'll aa-WHOOOAAAAAAAAA

Your promises
(promises, promises)
I promise you
(promise you)
I promise you
(promise you, promise you)

The End Of Heartache

Seek me, call me
I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

My Stomache Is Laughing At Me

From the inside out it is screaming and laughing and sayin FUCK YOU I dont need YOU FUCKER. Shit what to do angry typing loud keys speak to me speak to me dear god please speak to me.

Dare You?

How much can you ask of someone? How much will they be willing to give? Can you truly trust this person and do you really believe what you are thinking? I will leave that up to you.

Simply put you can never truly trust anyone. Fucking Hell you can't even trust yourself most of the time and another human? HUMAN! The most horribly flawed creatures on this planet. Many of us should be fucking killed. This is horrible. Damn to fuckin Hell I curse alot.

So I don't know. Lots of love to my 'homies', yeah what fucking friends? FUCK OFF SHIT

<3 Vezerie
V in Pdap
I was crazy friendly nice in mental hospital, I miss them they somewhat understood.

Shawna's Tub

Why is it I feel more inspired to write when I am on the actual blogspot site than when in documents? I jus can never seem to write anything. Though I guess it' different now because I am typing right now. Oi I feel sick.

I thought I was constipated but no.

For some reason I wanted to share that with you bloggie.

I told my sister whether I get this comp or the desktop I am naming it Steve, don't know why and do not think I need a reason. Big piece a clear scotch tape reading “STEVE” possibly in tribute to the poorly declining Steve-O who is a true badass with some shitty problems. I hope he can get his shit together before something fatal happens, even if he wants it.

It is amazing the random things I care about. Wow. My good awesomely cool friend Issy has started a blog so here is a link if you'd like to read about someone elses problems. I love the guy and his life is like a frikkin drama or something; http://indeliblesin.blogspot.com/

I love you people even if you do not exist I love all those who act with reason and intelligence and you are not a fucking drone. Rock the FUCK on!

Veezy

Blada blah

I need some sever help in many areas. I lack ability to comprehend and understand. I need something I do not have. Want much of not what I own. I need other things.

Why so needy I wonder? Why can't I be happy withe the life I have? What is wrong with it? Fuckin everything damn me.

I don't know not sure what to think what to do what to do what to do what to do....

Love is a very fucked up emotion. Makes you feel as though you can't leave them. Then the part of you that is losing that feeling of love starts dying and you don't know what to do because you always have an inch of life in that part and the love fucking burns you. I feel third degrees.

Shit, I don't know. Like I might have said at some point, I am melodramatic indecisive and confused as Hell at this point. I wish I could be like some people and jus leave and say fuck it but my FUCKING MIND. KEEPS FUCKIN REELING AND SAYING WHAT WILL YOU DO HOW WILL YOU LIVE WHO WILL COMFORT YOU WHO WILL YOU FUCK WHAT WILL YOU DO WHAT WILL YOU DO WHAT WILL YOU DO

Shit. I am jus so fucking angry now. Inside I am like a fuckin bull. Encaged in a body wanting to fucking destroy everything punch everything calm this fucking need. NEED I swear to God that's what it is.

My friends asked me to pray for her nephew Kayden, who is insanely cute by the way. Now you can see him. Anywho, I love the little guy and when you see him you know he'll overcome the fucked up position the motherfucking literally coke head doctor put him in. He is a strong little boy but unfortuantly he arches uncontrollably to the point of tears and seizures every five minutes or so. He has a tube in his stomache so he can eat. His formula cost twenty six dollars and it las two and a half days. His first trip to the doctor, and hes been there many times, cost a million dollars.

BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING DOCTOR AND HOSPICE!

Yes they are sueing. However now you can only get a certain amount from doctors and whatever they get they have to pay bad medicade. Then there is the future care of their adorable child. Las night Sarah, his mother and my friends half sister, cried walking talking about it. I let her know the truth. She is an incredibly strong woman, she has managed to keep smiling and trying to think positive through this. But she must ask, and I do/don't really understand, Why did this have to happen to her? Her baby was healthy as could be, he was fine until she got to the hospital. Fucking bastard people who don't give a shit. It is very upsetting to me. I don't understand it I don't. IT IS A BABY. It
s Texas children, shouldn't they know about this shit. Now poor Kayden has to deal with the consequences, and of course his parents. Sarah looks as though she never gets any sleep. I am hoping to try and find possible donations or someone who can maybe help them. I love you all and hope you will be okay. Like I told Sarah, this boy WILL overcome and do something great, I can feel it when I see his bright eyes. I think you would be able to also. Sarah said she knew the same thing but jus felt down about the disabilities infront of him. He has not been able to progress very much. He has a younger cousin who can do more than little kayden. But we love him and he is awesome!

Love you all.

Shit Fuck

So basically I am sitting here pondering men. There is a fellow who is very far but seems very near. Then there is the one who is so close and yet seems miles away. Why must I be such a fucking indesicive freak? I don't know what to do or write and I feel fucking crazy. Like I am drifting away like I did a few months ago for three months. Ugh, I want help and someone who can be fucking right. What the fuck am I talking about. Why do I always feel on the verge of tears?

Damn shit. I need help. Shit fuck shit shit fuck fuck shit. Love, love me do....I used to not believe in love. Then I did, and now I don't know what to think. I feel like I've been beaten. I want to cry and laugh and curl up in a ball and be FUCKING FRENZY!

SHIT!!!!

p.s
kayden is shawnas nephew, he has cerebal palsey thus seizures, he is adorable and a shame he has this. But this boy will be great. He is an angel this I swear. If you pray do so for him, shawna asks this of me.

Fuckin Panic

Always with the panic attacks I am. I hate this paralyzing bullshit. Feel so fucking angry I can't stand it. I wanna fuckin bust my head in or punch the fuckin wall. I am not in my house. This is a nuisance. I feel so lonely for some reason. Need to do something and feel different must do something. Ever and ever and ever I know you and don't have the courage to leave you I love you.

Shit.

Birthday Party Sad

Well I am at my friend of twelve years birthday bash. Jus some relatives and her bf. It is cool. I feel very empty and lonely though.
Just got off the phone with Rick and of course we fought. When don't we fight is the real question. Ooooh well. He is mad because I can't decide if I want to spend the night or go home later. Like he says hes pissed off because Im indecisive. What the motherfucking fuck? How are you angry with someone for something like that? I can understand if it was to a degree where it was fucking things up or something but this is little shit man, i mean come on. I'm jus super frustrated and don't have anyone I feel as though I could really talk to at this point. I mean I jus feel like there isnt anyone I can truly talk to. Jus totally lay shit out without worrying about what theyll think or say. Not to mention I jus dont want to talk about this stuff most of the time. I wish it would jus go away but it wont. Ever.

Simple Gas

Well I need to get ready to go swimming but I wanted to post something first. Why is it I find it difficult to go one day without having horrid confrontations with my significant other?
Always issues we have. I do love him now, I am jus not sure what to do. He is always paranoid and grumpy as of late. I can't do much to get him to chill either. He is always super tense and stress. OF course lets not look at the fact that Im the one with the job and the stress of supporting the animals(which i know i brought upon myself)but i desperately wish that since he is staying with me he would help beside being somewhat maid like and angry all the time.

He is always assuming i am talking to "my boyfriend" and such, what the hell is that shit about hmm? why would i have a fucking boyfriend. I made a mistake with tim which is not going to happen again. I wish he could trust me I really do. Damn this is frustrating and it seems like this is the shit I always talk about. It's amazing how you can say things online that you could never say in person. I find it so hard to verbally get my thoughts out, at least correctly, but here it's like I have all the time to figure out what the fuck is wrong. I can see how people say this shit is therapeutic. I jus hope none of my family or irl friends find this. I don't want to worry about people bombarding me with questions about whats wrong and shit. I'll figure it out myself, I did that when I had an actual therapist and I will continue to try to fix my own fucked up problems.

When I was thirteen I used to desperately hope for amnesia. I wanted to get away from the fact that love is fake and friends lie and people are killed and tortured every fucking day because no one can cherish a God damn thing anymore. I want to inform. I want to stop this madness of killing and hurting and hold them all. Shh shh babies sleep silent. With machine guns and bombs going off in your dreams. We cannot escape this war torn world and few lucky will leave with a clean conscious. The lucky are the children who die young and are not perverted and left stained by this dirty dog eat dog world.

Why are people so fucking idiotic? Why do people think that because you work at a fucking restaurant you are below them? What kind of semi intelligent person would even think this? Yet constantly wealthy people come in and talk to me like a child and refuse to look me in the eye or even say hi as i greet them at the door. At work I am very polite and as nice as I can manage, which is pretty fuckin good for someone as cynical as me. Yet people look at the ground or carefully avoid my eyes. Some dont even respond and then later come up to me for a table after ignoring the shit out of me when you know they fuckin heard you. What do I do in these situations? NIne times out of ten I turn around and pretend I dont notice them until THESE bitches get MY attention. Just to see if they like it. Honestly, how do you jus blatantly ignore a HUMAN BEING. YES rich people out there, hostesses and waiters ARE people just LIKE YOU. Surprise fucking surprise.

I wish to one day rise above all the shit thats been put in front of me and do something really fucking great, even if its jus fuckin graduating from a university, though my hope is that it ill be a medical university. Then as I stand over ex patients to put them to sleep they will wonder if theyll ever wake up from surgery. Most of them won't.

this sucks

I wish i could be talking to my friend. i feel lonely with someone i shouldnt. i wish i could be with someone i think i know. confusion will beat you down when nothing else will. i love my friends
i am sorry of my sudden departure hopefully ill write in an hour or so

i feel lonely and to the point of frenzy

Confusion on a lonely night

I am dealing with someone who seems to have a constant issue with me. Why do I put up with this shit?
I have ways to take care of myself. He is not a necessity at this point. What keeps me with him other than the past and all the secrets we share of each other? I don't know damnit. I am forever confused. What should I do?
I wish I knew, or someone could just give me the answer I am searching for. However, do I maybe know the answer but I am just to scared to face it alone? No matter how many people say they have my back I will always be alone in this decision, and the consequences that will follow. I feel so very scared.

Acid Bath

Acid Bath Lyrics

Graveflowe

Like Murder
Stoned I awoke in your temple
To blackness above you
And death beside me
Where kitchen knives conspire
Razor blades make bloodless love
Like Murder
The ghost of a pale girl is solemnly following me
Pale will she follow me
Into the sea
I feel the flowers screaming
To consume you
Like Murder
Earth and sky your cradle
Earth and sky entomb you
And death beside me
I burrow through the dust
In your skull
But I cannot seem to find your soul
Bloodless and numb
We orbit the sun
Hungry will this pale thing
Follow me into the sea
On the cold side of her face
The reptiles awake
Locust swarm from open mouths
That sing thy kingdom come
While blackness hums
Nothing is true
and I'm tired of your sad today
You're screaming because
There's nothing left for you to say
Bloodless and numb
We orbit the sun
Hungry will this pale thing
Follow me into the sea
Stoned I awoke in your temple
To blackness above you
And death beside me
Where kitchen knives conspire
Razor blades make bloodless love
Like Murder

I Duno

once at midnight
i will ring myself to look upon you
and my thoughts will swim
naked nightmares cross my vision
and memories won't let me be
as my mind races and my pulse threatens
I can hardly deny my fist punishment
beat myself into senselessness
unconsciousness
I no longer wish to be here
with all the pain
and piercing memories
which haunt to the point of insanity
just leave me be
for one night
i take the white pill
and the memories are gone
I am gone a little more and more

Talking to old acquaintences

So I just got the phone number of my friend Amy-San. I called her and we had a surprisingly un-awkward conversation. I was glad to speak with her again. I felt bad about not talk to her since I left the Pet store, we were very close. Whenever we worked the same shift we'd ride to and fro together since I lived on the way to her house. Now she lives much closer and she is going to call me tomorrow, I imagine we will be hanging out soon. I am nervous but also excited to see her. She makes me think of how I want to be when I'm twenty eight, I hope I am not over exaggerating her age >.<, if so I mean not Amy-San!

Well I have continued my plight of anti americanism by jogging again today but I feel very weak. I can only jog up and down the full lengh of my street three times before I have to take a lenghy break, and then after my legs feel numb yet jell-o like and I can barely run half the way without feeling exhausted. BLAH! Oh yes, and I can only do twenty lifts of eight pound weights >.< I AM WEAK! Though, I do, do lifts throughout the day, so in all I atleast do sixty, but I try to do it whenever I think about it. I am on the road to better health yet! I feel proud and ashamed. Proud of trying and ashamed of how weak I've let myself become. I must not let myself fall into the abyss of depression and fatness! I am so fucking poetic. Well, if anyone reads this, I love you and be careful, the world is a dangerous and fucked up place.

V

Crazy Hamsters and Monsters Inc,.

I really want to see Wall-e, that movie looks super bad ass :). Monsters Inc was just on reg tv channel 13. Great fuckin movie no matter how old you are. Well my hamster is trying desperately to get out of this spinny ball. Should I let her out? I dunno, she's a bitch to all my other hamsters. Oh well...so my boyfrien is threatening to hack into my computer and such, it's not even mine, it's my brothers. He thinks I am going to start socializing online. Cheating or some stupid shit. Like, I have nothing to hide but it's frustrating knowing that he is going into my business anyway. I think I am going to ask my brother if there is a way to put a password on it. I am super irritated now, FUCK!

I don't KNOW

Why can't I just stay locked away
In the cage that is my mind where
If I want I can find
the tombs of thousands lost
Inside my head
not quite safe
do not journey if you do not know
I believe one day
here I will return
locked inside a shell
no one can enter
and I cannot leave
but that is okay with me

Exercise Freak

Well I've become very anti-american. I am jogging at least every other day and go to my friends gym as much as possible. Maybe this will become my new vice. In fact I believe it already has. I find it so relaxing and sometimes almost like a form of self mutilation. Running until it's hard to breathe and my legs ache in exhaustion. Pushing yourself harder and harder. Though I honestly feel as though I am not pushing myself as hard as I could. I must have what psychologist refer to as an addictive personality. Anything I gain some interest in I then become obsessed, addicted to ideas, to clothes, movies, shows, lifestyles, music, exercising, etc,. What will be my next addiction I wonder....

I wish I could pick an choose these addictions as my mind does, unknowingly of me. How nice it would be to become addicted to working and studying, instead of having to force myself to focus on the pages in my GED home study guide. However, I am not so lucky. I will now try to force knowledge upon my impending brain. Goodbye non existent readers! ^_^

Finally a real computer

What is there for me to do now? i must work very hard from now on. i need to find a new job, study and continue with my exercise regime. i hope i can become a better person, one capable of loving and not hurting so. i want to help people become better and realize their horrid ways. i don't understand, and yet i do, how people can be so wicked. what drives a person to be so hateful to someone they do not even know. why do people act this way? do they really think that money or education entitles you to treat others as though they are lesser creatures? i just don't understand it....i have had a reasonably difficult life, though not as difficult as some and i suppose this allows me to have a different view than those born wealthy and mostly problem free. Not saying wealthy people do not have problems but they do not face the dread of wondering how you will survive, how you will clothe and feed yourself. why is it these people find it so hard to view life from a different perspective? i find it very easy to look at a person and assume reasonably accurate things about people from gestures, clothes the way they walk and talk. the ability to read people well is a gift i enjoy and hate. what can i do...every time i study a person for the slightest amount of time i can tell something about them. i wonder if i will some day be able to use this for something good. i hope.