I am Here

I am tired but have new pics of me and me and Rick and me and Shawna. I will attempt to write some crappy poetry.

I can feel him looking at me and I want to vomit.
I can feel his weight near me and I twitch.
I have memories rush on me like a curse
I feel the breath
Oh God it couldn't be worse
As he leans closer to get a look
I want to fuckin hit him
I make this clear

I Gave you Blood.

So I jus read this entry on MDD and this girl talks about how she met a guy at a club. She got horny and called him and went to his house and fucked after getting drunk'd. Like, honestly that is fucking slutty. I wasn't going to say that but just as slutty as it is dangerous! I mean do people not realize this is how psycho pick up chicks? Shit, people are not careful enough now in days, faaar to careless.

I jus want to help people. I don't know if I can though. I dunno. I wanna do something good and full of meaning. A Doctor? A Author? I don't know! I want to do something wonderful. I am pretty sure I want to become an EMT when I get my GED and do my SAT's, I jus hope I can complete the course with good grades and get preliminaries done, I'm sure I will have to take some sort of classes before I can take the course. Oooh I am so excited thinking about it! YAY!

Lots of Love from Me!

Vezzy

I think I am to mean sometimes...

Like Rick was jus trying to read me something he found humorous and I jus acted like a jackass. I get offended and don't laugh and he is jus trying to make me do so. I don't think he means to piss me off, however I know there are times when he does it on purpose. I dunno. I jus wanna be nice and have him be nice, but normally when I wanna be sweet he does not. Or if he wants to be nice I am in a bitchy mood. It always happens like this. I love him and wanna be with him and be happy with him. Now though I jus dunno how we can ever work out. He is jealous and untrusting to me, he has told me he will never trust me. I am jus really jealous, I trust him not to do anything, but I don't like him thinking about chicks or lingering eyes he has. It angers me damnit. I think if he would fucking do things like complimenting me and noticing me and not being so stray like I wouldn't mind so much. However he is not the type to compliment and it isn't easy to get him to do so. I jus wanna feel cared for, loved, wanted, needed, like how I need him, and want him, and care for him. I don't think he really sees me so. I feel so shitty.

I want you to see me
I want you to know me
Acknowledge me please God jus tell me you love me
Stroke my face and tell me sweet things
Hug me gently and try not to break me
Shh quiet your voice no yelling here
Please jus be calm please jus be near
I want to hold you and for you to hold back
I don't want to worry that when you leave you'll never come back
I want to be with you and stay with you sleep with you and rest forever
But I don't think you do
I think you look at me with some animosity
You wonder where I've been
Where I have crawled to and through
When I tell the truth
You take if for shit
I sit here thinking I am horrible and self absorbed
As you sit claiming death is upon you
I want to rest
Alone
Without You.

Impy

They Say it's All About to End

There's a prison that's gone but the fear lives on, I watch you walking on the dotted line! Maybe you don't say what's infront of me, maybe you won't stand the test of time! For we live in sin for we will win, I watched the president kiss his family, for we live in sin for we will win, I watched the president fuck scociety!
They Say~SCARS ON BROADWAY, BITCHES!

So in order to get over Rick reading celeb magazines and staring at Anna Faris' ass, I am jus gonna occupy myself and ignore him when he reads things he finds funny which aren't funny to meee. I am simply annoyed with all this "I'm reading the articles heheh" bullshit, like he told me when he had a porno, what bullshit is that?! Yeah a porn, to read the articles, cause I am such a dumbass I'll believe THAT shit. FUCK THAT! So annoyed.

Well I am about to go smoke and then get dressed for work, eat try not to have a flippin panic attack like the small one I had yesterday. Okay Imma make a list of what I will do when I get to work!

1. Check reservations from res. book and copy onto paper.
2. Call reservations and confirm, or leave messages.
3. Get windex and rag and clean the menus and tidy up hostess area.
4. Check tables and be polite!

I am annoyed because whenever me or the other hostess come in the waiters and such always have trash around and shit jus fucked up in general. It is very annoying because then the manager gets mad at me and I always clean before I leave! Darnit! If he says anything today Imma tell him Im gonna clean before I leave but I want him to check it so he can't bitch at me. Blah, well Imma smoke

Lots of Love
Impy

Blahda Whahda? Interesting Title....

So I sit here while Rick sits at my computer listening to Mudvayne and getting a myspace.com Super weird since he has never cared about tha type of shit. I am not gonna add him cause I don't want him getting pissed because I have like eight guys on my friends. I don't wanna deal with him getting pissy. I will jus check out his crap and make sure he doesn't befriend any scandily clad females. I get angry thinking about it but I can't judge, after all I look at porn, but if I could get off every time we had sex I wouldn't be doing that :P Sorry to saaaay...

Well he is over there holding his head and banging his hand and looking pitiful so Imma try to get me baby to lay down with me, I do love him, I must say.

Lots of Love
Impy

So I am Here

I am here yes I am! I kept thinking of shitty things like porno and sickness. My throat is killing me. I am trying to not get to angry or tense even though I feel remarkably stressed out at the moment. I want Rick to be here. For us to both be in good moods. For us to watch a movie and sit together and talk and kiss and just be happy. For everything to go well. I don't know....I just don't wanna feel stressed and anxious for once.

Well I have been playing Pokemon Blue on Gameboy Advance VisualBoy Advanced emulator. Lots of fun! Got a Charmander, Pidgy, Nidoran Male, Rattata, and a Spearow. All at level eight except Pidgy and Rattata. It feels so hot in this frikkin room! Blah!

My head hurts, I wanna go to the gas station but I don't wanna walk.

I wanna tell Rick I wanna spend more time with him but not sound whiny. Whenever he is out he never wants to come home and takes forever. However I do trust him and do not think he is up to any no good, there is no reasonable evidence to prove this.

Well I am gonna change my profile pic and my main pic so adios!

Lots of Love

Impy

Whoopity Fuckin Doo

So I sit here in the early afternoon wanting to go to the Library. I love to read. I just got done reading this book by Amy Tan called The Hundred Secret Senses. Super cool, I want another book now!

So anywho, I really want to see the Art Museum, I haven't in so long...eh...I dunno.

I feel displaced and not quite here. I dunno.....

Advertising causes Therapy

Well I had an interesting day at work. All went well until I was off my shift. I was sitting outside using the cordless phone trying to get a ride and I heard someone trying to call on the other line, thinking it was someone I jus called I answered HEllo.
Is this the hostess?
Yes.
This is David, you don't answer the phone Hello you say thanks for calling Mi Luna ect,.
Yeah well I am off the clock trying to reach a ride
WEll you say that anyway not just hello is cooper there?
no
okay bye
hang up on that bastard

yes, I should have answered properly. However this man is a true bastard who is disrespectful and rude to me whenever he is given the chance. Unfortuanetly he is a head boss, lucky for me he no longer works at the location I do. I sat there thinking, the one time I don't answer right is the time he calls! Damn!

I of course had a guy that treated me like a child,had a run in with a former employee who i kinda crushed on. He was drinking which is surprising because I thought he was on probation...
But oh well!

Trying to stay positive and happy and not bitchy. Waiting for Rick to get here with ciggs and pot. Really wanna smoke >.<

Well that's all I got fer now. LOTS OF LOVE

Impy

Hello Again, My Friends

Well I still haven't gotten my interet wifi dealie. Should be Monday I guess, luckily I have brothers laptop to use until then. However this laptop is very annnoying to type on so I do not feel like saying very much.

I am outside smoking weed, waiting for Rick. I got on my period the day I had to go to work. It was so horrible until the codeine my Mom brought up there started working. After I took the second one an hour later I was fine. Unfortuanetly I have to go to work tomorrow to, which I do not look forward to. Fucking mosquitoes are biting like crazi! I need to take a bath. Blah. I also need to change me cats litter. Speaking of which, I really want a Sims game >.<.

I have started writing stories again, which makes me excited. Also I try to write poems but there are only certain times when I can be unique. Maybe I will post them here. I dunno....

So as soon as I get my computer back I will post a new piccie if anyone is interested. I really want my cigarette! However I must take bath before Rick gets here!

OH YEAH! I need to make Rick apologize for acting like a huge butthole earlier. It was ridiculous. I think I need to take another codeine. Well I am glad to be back here.

Lots of love!

IMPY

Feel Lonesome and Lost

I feel as though I am losing people I was once close with.

Someone who I talk to online is saying things such like, I am on talking to him but always doing something and always leaving. I left Shawna's house early and didn't tell her or call her, she has not been online or called me. Amy is telling me all the reasons why I should leave Rick and now I jus don't feel like doing anything.

I feel like if he leaves I will be alone, have the responsibility of keeping the pets fed and clean, taking care of the room and then in August I will be taking GED classes and I am currently trying to get another job. I am not gonna have a bed or tv. No huge dresser so I don't know what I will be doing with my huge amount of clothes. I am scared to be alone, obviously, I don't know how I will turn out after this. I feel love for him but it is dwindling every time he doubts me and says harsh things. I am breaking and unable to take this.*and he would take the A/C*

I suppose on the positive hand I will be able to do whatever and not worry about what Rick is thinking. Though this scares me because I do not want to become reckless and careless. I will have A LOT more room since his table, bed, and dresser take up a good sixty-five percent of the room. I can see friends more often and do whatever I want online without pissing him off. Luckily I now have a few weed connections.

I am scared of what is to come. What I will do, such as my kittens. I have six kittens that I will have to find homes for. I have to get rid of my kitten, the mother and her newer kittens. Not to mention Rick has to take his cat or take her to CAPS himself. Or give me the money to do it. Another thing is Rick is going to have to come back eventually to get his bed, dresser, and table. So I will look forward to that. I also need to go somewhere once I do it. I think it is going to be tomorrow and I think I will first call Amy and tell her what I am doing and then break the news to Rick and hopefully Amy will be willing to pick me up so I won't have to be here.

I don't want to hurt him! We have been through so much and doing this to him seems so wrong, but honestly, I feel as though he has been plenty heartless to me before so maybe I should try it out.

All I know is I am going to need a good amount of weed and some new anti anxiety meds. This busparin shit don't cut it. It jus makes me feel all dizzy like. But since I told my Mum in the doctors office tha I wanted to be an anesthesiologist and not deal with patients my doc made a smartass comment and has sense then seemed a little eh...

Anywho, I still feel distance between me and certain people and I want to make amends, I want to get my GED, I want to kick the SAT's ass, I wanna go to college and do something. I wanna help my animals and give them the best life I can. I hope to find a decent job ASAP. I hope I can get glasses birthday free. All I really wanna do is get some books, maybe some clothes, or maybe do something for my pets for my b day. Get some good kitty flea shampoo or something. I need to decide what I want.

i love you all

Impy

WHAT WHAT WHAAAT

I will NEVER EVER leave you my loverly blog! I LOVER YOU!

I love when Jim Carrey played home boy on Lemony Snicket, twas HILARIOUS!

I love ranomosity. I love Chrono Cross soundtrack and I love the idea of tatts! So far I want five. Sonic, Brand, Blue Seed, JTHM, and Smiley face :D.

So I am either getting my tatt(the brand) later tonight or jus on my birthday, unless the guy(Jesse) comes back before then and I have money I'll probably get it done. I am nervous but still REALLY excited. I love Rick's tatts! I jus wish he didn't find them all unattractive :/.

Tattoo Tonight....Scared!

Well in a hour or so, should be an hour by this point, I am gonna go down the street and get my first ink! I have the picture posted above, it isn't exactly what I am getting but what I want. Then Rick is getting two tatts so I kinda want another one as well. If the first one goes fine, I presume. I will post a pic of both I want. Actually I already posted one of JTHM(Johnny the Homicidal Maniac), I want him and the dough boys but not the whole picture.

The story behind my firs tatt has some meaning from where it came from and why I am getting it. First, where it came from. In the series Berserk, there is a guy named Guts who joins the Band of the Hawk. The leader is named Griffith. Well Griffith is a bad ass who will do anything for his troupes and is basically an awesome fighter who no one can defeat. Now he has something he got when he was young called a Behelidit head. It summons the Godhand. Which are three evil Gods. Basically he has to give up sacrifices, say "I sacrifice.." whomever and then they are all killed by horrible demons and before hand driven insane by it all. So Griffith ends up turning in his own troupes to these Gods and they are all killed after being marked by the Brand of the Godhand. Which is the tatt I am getting. Only two people survive, one is crazy(his female interest, Casca) and the other is almost a mute, bad ass fighter, Guts. So whenever evil approaches it begins turning red and eventually bleeding. Pretty intense I find. So he had his on the side of his neck and mine is either going to be on the back of my neck or my back. I don't knoooow!

So the reason I am getting it? My hidden deep meaning? Not all to deep. When I got into this series and played the game it was one of the few things in life I enjoyed at the time. It is also an emotional and brutal journey these characters go through and you can feel the authors emotion through his work. So yeah, also the reason why I am getting my second tattoo, middle of my back somewhat lower. The Brand will be somewhat on my neck, I think the three lines on top will, and the rest will go down.

So yeah, excited and scared! Wish me luck! Lots of love,

Impy-san

I Feel Hungry and Shitty

Well my fault through keeping my boyfriend I am always signing off AIM whenever he walks into the room. Even though I am not even talking to the person he doesn't want me talking to. I keep leaving friends at crucial moments. Yesterday was the worse. Someone was depressed and was about to tell me about it and then another friend was describing their mental problem. What is wrong with me? Why do I bend so easily to ones will? I am so hungry but I do not want to eat. I feel fat from all the shit I have eaten in the last few days. I feel tired too. I think I have cigarette and coffee...

Oh yeah, I don't know if someone was there or not when I logged on today but he didn't respond, I hope he isn't ignoring me but I get the feeling tha could be it. I am an ass >.<. Shit, I feel crappy, Imma go...

Imp

Kinda Pissed

So I found this site where they basically bitch out kids for cutting themselves and or trying to kill themselves. Granted, some kids are annoying and trying to get attention. Though wouldn't you think for a child to go tha extreme something is obviously wrong with them? It isn't that they FAILED AT LIFE! It's tha someone severely fucked them up or they have some comprehending of some shit tha you will never understand.

I am a fucking cutter. I don't do it for show. I don't hope people will ask and point it out. Fucking thoughts cannot be stopped and the only way to end the flow of fucked up thought is by distracting your mind. The only way to know you won't fucking forget some stupid ass shit you did was to MAKE yourself remember FORCE IT UPON YOURSELF. So you leave a scar and you will NEVER forget. Some of us might be pussies but do you know what it takes to sit there and carve and sit in your fucking mind trying to wake yourself up?

veZ

West Oaks Drug Dependency

Raoul Duke: Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's, and fast heel-toe work.

Dedicated to Eskified.

I don't know why but I have an urge to get out what it was like in the hospital so I am going to do my best to describe the day to day routine we all had there. All of us crazis in the adolescent unit.

So there are two units for adol., the other, I think it was section 4, held the more intense bad kids. So I suppose we were spose to be calm or something.

So the day in question. It started with me waking up to my father and my therapist, Desiree, standing over me telling me to get up. They were going to take me to the hospital. I slowly began to remember things from the night before. How I had taken a bottle of Xanax and was so fucked up. I remember crying as I gathered a few things in my purse not knowing what I would need. Well we first drove to West Oaks and I didn't speak the whole ride up, I felt so fucking betrayed by them.

When we got there and they told them my situation they said that I would have to go to the hospital first and have some tests done to make sure there wouldn't be anymore effects from the drugs. So I went there and the testing lasted all day. They did something called a rainbow test where they filled up different coloured cartidges from one syringe. By eight or nine at night my dad and sister went with me in the ambulance to west oaks which was kinda spooky in a way. The EMT's were these two really sweet ladies though who told me not to worry and tha parents can be crazi and whatnot, my mother was in jail at the time for shoplifting. So I went in and got my picture taken and sat in the waiting room until the little interview. Soon I was in the adolescent headquarters. It was one huge room lined with rooms on both sides, in one area was a t.v behind plastic and some seats, there was also a fold out table where most of the kids were sitting then, talking and joking. After I was told my room, and given the basic hygene supplies, I put my things up and went and decided to be un shy for once and as I approached the table I heard someone say "Crack head" So I began to inquire about crack and thus met Allie, Courtnay, Jack, Erin and I cannot remember the other two.

It was so odd waking up in a strange place alone because I did not have a roommate. They awoke me at 6:30 am for vitals and whatnot. Then I had to get a blood test with another girl who had come in earlier in the day, this was Amanda and we were good friends. We both freaked out because we were afraid of needles. So once this was done I would join the other girls on the couches watching t.v. Whatever we could watch without getting in trouble. Occasionally we could sneak Family Guy.

Breakfast was at 7:30, lunch 11:30, and I think dinner was at 7:30 pm or something. The food was really the only thing you could look forward to. Though sometimes there wouldn't be a thing I could stand to eat and those days sucked.

Every other day or so we would go outside. There was a large field surrounded by a sidewalk enclosed by connecting buildings of other units. We would all go to the kids playground and talk and jus be like kids. It was nice not worrying about reality and being able to talk with other people who had fucked up problems and who were being fed meds and being forced to converse.

I get teary eyed thinking about it. It seemed simple but so sad because all of us were there because someone had done something to us. Or we had done something to ourselves to stop pain. Ashley's step mother was a real bitch and in her diary, that she hid under a floorboard, she wrote about how she would kill her stepmother real scientific like. Her step mom went in her room with a metal detector and found it. Allie was anorexic and had "anger problems". Many people were there for suicidal letters. There was one boy who had come in later on, it's so sad and I miss him. Jamie. He was bi and had tried to kill himself by taking a crap load of Lunesta and brutally slicing his wrist with a disposable razor. He ended up being transferred because his mother was a bitch and his grandmother wouldn't let him move in with her. Now he is just moving from hospice to hospice.

It saddens me to think how people can just toss their children aside and not want to see them and want them to get better and want to do everything in your power to help them. Instead they jus exile you and hope to not hear from you. We are the poor children who are found to be nuisance and pests. We cry together hug each other, dress each other up speak and rant and write poems and hear our sorrows and we are the only ones who understand this dept of sadness that breaks us down till we are five years old sitting on the floor staring blankly into nothing.

We cut our wrists and bang our heads and blast the music and write so hard we want to forget it all and be loved know we are loved and cared for and not something so easily discarded. Something so easily hurt and tortured and un cared for.

Erin was raped by her step father. Her real father is in prison. She had fantasies of killing her molester.

Every weekday they held two hour long classes tha were spose to be educational. However all we learned about were mental problems. A few questions and sometimes we would watch a movie. It was pretty random.

I remember the first time I saw Forrest Gumo was there. It was a Friday or Saturday. We had cookies and milk boxes and we all camped infront of the t.v and watched and laughed and it was fun.

Of course there were the booty shots.

Thick liquid tha they shot into your ass if you fought or wouldn't calm down. I wish I could remember the name of the boy who came to the hospital often, seemed he was always dumped by his mum and dad. He would always get angry and get tackled or climb on his door or fight in general. He gotten the shot many times and had been put in solitary confinement many times aswell. But we were a fucked up family for the few days or weeks we were there. I miss them all and my thoughts always remember the, my fucked up friends.

So after I eventually got out of the hospital I was put into in patient. Which is a whole nother story all together. :)

BLAH

Early it's five forty-one and I am listening to the Epiphany of Sweeney Todd. I swear this song is flippin awesome. I am obsessed with things like Fred and Chris Crocker. I suck. Blah Tired need coffee...

A Question to Myself

So if I want a tattoo how am I gonna stand it if I can't even make a decent size cut in myself? What is wrong with me?! BLAHDA

To Thin Freaks

So thin is beautiful? I weigh about 126 and I don't find myself an overweight freak!

Thinspiration is Disteration

So I have checked out these web sites about "Thinspiration" encouraging anorexics with tips and what not. What kinda shit is this? Damn this world is fucked, huh? I am glad I have hips and curves and am not a walking stick. Fuck that! They may be thin but can they hit? I bet you all that I can beat the shit outta ten thinspiration bitches before any of them can lay a finger on me. Let's not have anyone assume jealousy, who would be jealous of this poor thin girl above? FUCK THAT!

The New Cult King

Well I sit here in my huge sunglasses inside because I don't know where my regular glasses are. I have deduced tha, unless someone becomes insanely generous I am not going to get my tatt. I suppose this isn't too bad. Simply because I cannot decide on what tatt I want. I have started to look at JTHM pics. I want a specific one but I can't seem to find pictures of it anywhere. This sucks!

I feel very tired and full. Family finally got food. Okay I am gonna do a run through of my priorities in life;

GED
SAT's
PAY OFF TICKET
START SAVINGS
CAR

Oi I need a car horribly. I am going to get one of those papers tha has the employment ads in them. Wish me and Shawna luck! We both need jobs, Shawna is going to get a car and will have to pay for most gas and all of her insurance. I simply need to keep my animals fed and start saving to pay off this $500-$600 ticket. Then save up for a car ect., Thinking about it makes me wanna cry :(. I hate addictions. I hate responsibilities. I wanna get rid of these animals and these needs and not worry about such things.

I am so worried and nervous. Upsetting thinking about this stuff. Don't know what to do. I love everyone! Yeah right..starting to care less and less..sadness

Gone Fuckin' Wrong!

^Tha is them, Blue October, you fucking rock^


A blackout in the room again
a busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom
and dare not bother asking
why the mirror's craked and all I see
are shards of glass inside of me.

There's voices there to dare me,
my father's here to scare me.
My mother sits beyond the door she's
curled up crying on the floor,
look at what her son's done.

When the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again.
Gone fucking wrong.
It's gone wrong again.

Well liars they leave a guilty trail.
And let me tell you something people,
I've been lying for fucking years.
That must be why I'm standing in this space.
Disregarding that I've created these monsters
they're on fucking both of my sides,
So I wipe the blood from both of their eyes.
From all four of their eyes.

And while I wait for wounds to heal
I see you by the window sil,
your heart's torn out
a plastic spoon
when honesty lit up that room
so I stole the pillowcase to clean
this mess I've made of someones dream.
Now you've seen what I've done,

when the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again
gone fucking wrong
it's gone all wrong again.

This room is old and wise
I fall onto the bed and wonder,
"How did I get here?"
The little boy who would argue with a tree
just fucking thump his head
and he'll turn back to normal.

Now why is that what I see?
Don't bother trusting
don't bother waiting
don't bother changing things that won't give into changing
just let me go away.
I'm packed
whenever
I'm down
whenever.
Let's go.
Yes, let's go.

Seriously, I love this song because it sounds good live and it is so depressing. Makes me wanna hug the singer! But it also feels too familiar. Oh my, this song dude...gives me chills! I gotta jam..

Vez

I'M BLIND

Nah but like I cannot see worth a crap. This monitor is only two and a half feet infront of my face and I can't see it without glasses. DARN! Oh BTW I am at Shawna's sister's mom's house! BLAHDA! My stomach hurts and I feel funny. My head feels funny, really though.

Well people are gone on Haitus. Fred and a friend. Dunno. Wanted to talk to my furnd Pills but didn't have computer where I was at and this one does not have AIM. Soooo, I dunno This is all I have for now, I am sure there will be more later on at home. Love from Me

Vezerie

What are you talking about?

Well I feel a little off right now. I'm sitting here with a muscle relaxer or two in my system. Needing to go to bed because I have to job hunt tomorrow. I feel tired and stressed. I hate job hunting and don't even have an Adavan to take! Darnit. It would help me so. Hopefully I can jus knock out, drink some coffee in the morning and get okay and not so stressed. Hopefully I won't feel sick and queasy like I have been. I feel pressured to talk and all I want to do is sit in my mind and think up "fantasies", things that will never happen maybe how my life could be in different scenarios and things I probably shouldn't dwell on. However I always go back to my imaginary life in there. My Memory Palace. The place is as black and deep as space and I can dwell to horrible memories tha shame me or make me need to cry or to hurt myself bite my life or beat myself or turn up the music so loud I can't think. Tha is what I do most of the time when I get deeply unpleasant thoughts. I turn up that fucking music but sometimes it isn't loud enough and those times are hard. I need to find a way to get brought out of these pits. I know I sound emo but this IS my blog and where I can bitch and rant so fuck all ya'll tha think I'm being a bitch. See how paranoid I am? Damn, I need to fucking relax. I've taken a muscle relaxer and yet my muscles are tense and stressed and I want to lie down and feel warmth and no talking jus laying and being held and being cared after. Shit

Vezerie

Got My Hair Did!

Well yesteryear Crystal did my hurr! She braided it for me and Rick had fun with that :P.
Lots and lots of fun :D.

Soooo!! Imma post a couple of pics of me getting my hair done and whatnot. I've been talking to my awesome homie Piiiills! I hadn't talked to him in so long and now we talk on phone and whatnot, I realize some people, like Shawna, says more online and some peoples, like Pills is more talkative on phone. Even though he told me normally he's not! WAHASD...

Imma post later I can't think

LOVE YOU ALL! VVENCH

Today today....

I have cigarettes! Soft pack marlboro menthols for 1.40! AWESOME! Two packs, smoked half of one, well between me and Rick. Smokin' the reefer of COURSE. Oh I FINALLY saw Fred's new video, fuckin' hilarious! Well Imma go smoke and I'll post more.

I only want you to see my favourite part of me

And not my ugly side.


This is the song I can't stop listening to and I am positive I have talked about it more than once and there is a reason for this. It's so sad and the music is pretty. I dunno, despite what certain people say(IRISH KUNG FU!) I like Blue October besides the lead singers supposed bastardness.

I hate trying not to slouch. It's like so built in I always catch myself slouching and I wanna bite myself! Damn! Shawna's Dad left me coffee! YAY! Kinda surprising since las night I let Shawna have two hits and she started having a crazi ass panic attack. Then after fifteen or twenty minutes she jus started acting stoned until we went to bed, or I went to bed then she eventually laid down with me.

I hate going to bed! I feel sleep is most deffinetly a waste of time. Also, I am just stubborn. Like, how much stuff I could get done if sleep wasn't a fucking necessity, this shit is FUCKED UP!

I LOVE YOU

BLAHDA FLUFFY

Saltines and Chrono Cross Soundtrack

I sit listening to Zelbess, from the town of Termina in Chrono Cross, a badass video game, my favourite RPG, on the playstation. I am currently reading medical student blogs from the University of Michigan Medical School. Very interesting stuff and they have blogs from multiple students which makes it entertaining since med students don't have a lot of time to blog often. I jus hope one day I can be at the point where I can call myself a med student, how surreal would tha be? The blog is called Dose of Reality if anyone feels the need to check it out.

Well I am so infatuated with the idea of a good education and anticipate my coming GED courses which I hope I can excel in. I am desperately hoping I will get a good grasp of the work and information laid before me and tha it will actually stick in my head.

I am comtemplating what to spend birthday bucks on. Basically it comes down to this;
1. material possessions
2. tattoo money
3. glasses money

and tha is basically it. I dunno what to do, I am still hoping he will buy me glasses without question but I am scurred to ask. T.J always has to add insult to injury it seems. It's probably good for me but it sucks the shit outta ya self esteem.

This song is called Leaving the Body, it's so pretty and sad. I love how this music seems to contain much emotion with zero words.

VVench

Why do I love you?

Why do you love me? I hate, you hate, I hate, you love me, I hate everything about you, why do I love you?

Seriously tha song is perfect for my situation, a few years back when tha song came out it was the most played on 94.5 the buzz on Valentines Day, isn't tha fucked?

Well I jus don't know what to do with myself....I love The White Stripes.

Well lately I have been playing Harvest Moon for the SNES, badass motherfuckin' game seriously. I jus got me field clean and now I work on building a field and such. I am way to into these old school games. I love Yoshi! I don't know...Sushi, yummy....

My friend has this awesome funny totally real blog and I hope he keeps it up! Go PillPopper! I hope one day we meet and smoke the biggest blunt we both ever did see! It will be full of randomness and uselessness and movie watching :D.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell I don't know what else to say right now so Imma go and figure out what to do, probably smoke a bowl.

VVench

Liking Blue October Song

Well I sit and think contemplating getting T.J's laptop if I still can. I think it would be worth it to have a little laptop I can take to and fro. Like this is nice(my desktop) but can't take it outside when I want to go smoke a cigarette.

Well I am planning on saying fuck you to my bastard relatives. For some reason I get a feeling of some animosity from my aunt Heather, and I feel uneasy about her. Her smile seems placed and not true, at least not when holding a conversation with me. I do not know. I am sure when she and my fucking grandmother get together they have some Hella nice conversations about me. My grandmother, the one who came with me to my therapy appointment and asked the therapist in front of me saying "Well I know Valerie does a lot of drugs and what not so couldn't she of just made all this up?" this was a therapy appointment about my molestation issue. WHAT THE FUCK?! How do you just say that fucking shit? Not looking at me, speaking as though I am not even there. I can't understand this shit.

I don't know if I talked about this already but I can't forget it. It angers me every time I think about her or my relatives. Uncles and aunt. How they are exclusive from us. How my grandmother wouldn't get my sister anything or acknowledge my mix nephews presence. I just do not get it. Fucking cruel old bitch. I plan on one day when I have my own transportation to meet her and tell her how I feel and why and inform her tha I do not need her fucking help and will never want it. I will not acknowledge her as she did not acknowledge my mum as one of her children. You fucking bitch! Your own fucking daughter! How can I be related to this person? SHIT!

Ugly Side

Listening to Ugly Side by Blue October, eh I don't know about them. They are certainly odd. I love coffee. I feel fuzzy, I need to shave. I am quite odd feeling at the time. I dunno. I am unsure of what to saaay. Why do I post if I don't know what to say? I should jus go take a bath.

VVench

I do NOT know!

Well I am getting more and more excited as I read Med Student blogs. I must say I am jealous. I wish I had the memory and what not to begin retaining information. Oi I am so tired, I need coffee!

Well I must be tired. My glasses, which are always sliding off my face whenever I bend over, and tha I think I've had for two or three years, jus broke. Now I wan to cry this sucks. See, unlike some kids who at the age of 17 will still not have to pay for things such as glasses, I do, and do to the fact tha the job I have pays shittily, I cannot afford to buy glasses. Along with this my birthday is coming up but what kid wants glasses for their birthday? Shit, well happy fuckin birthday heres some glasses. Yay, I totally cannot wait. Damnit! This really sucks. I don't even wanna fucking write anymore, SHIT!

VVench


*blah, well Rick is getting his stimulus check and he is saying tha he may be able to pay for half or at least some of it. I don't know, I don't want him spending all of his money on getting me glasses. I hope T.J will have mercy and maybe considered getting them for me payback free. I doubt it, oh well, my fault for putting myself in this position.*

Fuckin' A Thug Love

Listening to Thug Love by Bone Thugs N Harmony and Tupac. Badass motherfuckin song, go Bizzy!

Well I sit here after having an argument about cleanliness. Honestly I hate fucking cleaning, I will remain reasonably clean but if there's a few fuckin clothes out and some shit I ain't gonna fuckin' trip. This motherfucker is angry because I accidently left out a fuckin c.d. Like, chill the fuck out please? I told him to fuck off so I think he is mad, maybe :)> I dunno, don't care all to much about wha is pissin him off. I dunno...

Shawell, I am all into this whole college and GED shite. Reading up on supplies and crap. I am such a dork. Whenever I become interested in something I always do everything I can to find out the smallest of details and I get super pissed when I can't get the information I search for. I am nervous about starting these evening classes. It'll be from 6:30 to 8:00pm. The firs pamphlet I got said tha there would be AM and PM classes but I go to website and it says there are only evening classes. Sooooo I guess I gotta do it. I jus hope my teacher is better than the one at Progressive. I don't want another teacher tha cannot pronounce words. Tha was horrid. Well I gotta pee and poo so Imma go
:D

VVench

Fuckity Shittity

I am sitting here typing without really feeling it, want to listen to music but alas, no headphones. I feel like there is something at my fingertips tha I need to let out but I am not quite sure how to do this other than jus begin to write and see where it goes from there. I love feeling words come together with the click of a button and see words forming, it is odd. I feel odd liking it. I like to be able to see my errors and fix them instantly, and then having the program tha alarms me if I am not aware. Then ignoring these things and typing how I speak. Yet I have no emotion and feel pretty fucking numb.

Why do I feel like I am a strange person? I don't get it.

Fuck, what do I need to do? Decisions, decisions...fuck.

Stereotypical depression is bullshit. I hate fucking Mudvayne so much. SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH! Ugh, I don't know. I jus wanna punch someone out and do some fucking damage to myself again and again and again. I want to fucking jump off the walls and land somewhere hard. I want to knock shit down and smoke a fucking cigarette. I wanna listen to anything and not hear someone bitch.

Why is it so fucking hard to sit there and listen to someone elses music? I hate it when people cannot sit and listen to someone elses shit and shut the fuck up and respect no matter what it is, because whatever it is it means something to tha person. Everyone makes fun of shit which is why I have gotten to the point where I force myself to try to like anything. I will not blatantly sit there and mock your shit unless it is clearly downright bullshit.

I don't fuckin know I hate trying to type in my fucking blog and have my boyfriend stare at me, wondering if I am speaking to people and glarin like a motherfucker. Bangin shit around cause he is pissed. I don't know. I jus wanna fuckin punch something. Don't wanna even check my mail cause a this dude. Shite.

I am a fucking pussy.

I Don't Know!

Weeeell I am listening to Empty Walls by Serj Tankian, he is a good guy. Crazi motherplucker, I love the video! So goose bumpy! Well In a moment I am about to watch Sweeney Todd. It is a great fucking movie. I am reading American Psycho AGAIN! I have no idea how many times I have read this fucking book. It is soo great, in fact here is a passage!

"I pause, stand up straight, run a hand over my face, breathe in and then lean back down. "Listen to me..." I breathe in again. "They've got midgets in there." I point with a thumb back at the brownstone. "Midgets who are about to sing 'O Tannebaum'..." I look at him imploringly, begging for sympathy, at the same time looking appropriately frightened. "Do you know how scary that is? Elves"-I gulp-"harmonizing?" I pause then quickly ask, "Think about it.""

Yeah I love Pat Bateman. I wish he was real :(

Yeah I don't know reading a book like tha gives me hope tha there have to be psychotics out there who have the need to jus fucking STAB SOMEONE IN THE FUCKING EYE AND WATCH THE BLOOD FLOW

I cannot be the only one who gets these ridiculous urges!

Fuckity Fuckity Enemy Scars on Broadway

Well I am ecstatic about one thing! Daron Malakian has his own band! YAY! AAAAND SOAD DID NOT BREAK UP! FUCK YEAH! I love it! They are all jus gonna go and do their own thing.

So I sit here listening to Enemy by SOB thinking about the fact tha now I cannot get online or on computer period without bitchy glares from boyfriend. He is constantly wondering what I'm doing and hardly speaking to me if I am on the comp. For certain things he read have him questioning me and whatnot and constant anger and shit. This is why he needs to go. Damnit.

Well....

Ricardo has discovered my 'horrible secret'! DUH DUH DUUUH!

He read my e mail when I let him use the computer to download some songs. Normally I would be pissed, but he talked to me calmly and didn't get all pissy which is prolly what I would have done had the situation been reversed. He saw all the shite I talk with me Esky. So through out las night he kept asking me things randomly like why can't I trust him as much as I trust someone I don't even physically know. Why is it he must be so negative and be so sure that everyone is horrible and lying deceitful whores? I would not say it to him simply because he will deny it but I don't feel lied to, I do not feel as though I have been deceived. I don't understand why he must be so questioning and negative. Whatever....

I keep having to randomly leave. BLAH!

It seems like it has been forever since I have gotten out a good ranting. I can't control my fingers they want to type quicker and delve into the literary shite. FUCK

Calm down Vez, les take this slow. A slow jaaam. Yes, I need to FUCKING LET IT ALL OUT! I love Tampico. I don't know what to say I am at a lost for words and do not know what to speak. Jus jamming and drinking and being hungry and wondering and hoping and killing feedingbleedingbreathingneedingfeedingdegradingwonderingspasmichatelove
fuckingclothesloudmusicblaringneverendingdreamsareedeceivingnever
goingtowakeup


VVench

Fuckin A

Weeell, here I sit think of odds and ends. I have told Rick to leave in two days or less, whatever. I sit here thinking of work and friends who AREN'T RESPONDING! So yeah, I think I am about to go outside and smoke some poooot. Please won't ya come and ease my mind? Reason for me to find you, piece of mind, what can I do? To get me to you...

Yoko Kanno is a badass despite her assssian heritage.

Poem

so never be ashamed of what you've written on yourself
don't hide those which makes you truly yourself
why must you be ashamed?
of what gift was given?
take it and behold
or rid the world of your selfish want of something you don't really have
ungrateful for what you have
never truly loving what y ou are
you are a beast of Hell
get back bastard

V the Wench

I Hate Everything About You

Yeah, it's true I do. I love this computer. Fuckin A Rancid! WOOH!

Only when I stop to think about it....I hate everything about you, why do I love you? You hate everything about me, why do you love me?

Oi tha song has way too much meaning to way too many people.

Well I am going to my interview for Kohls soon, I am super frikkin nervous! When I come back I will reprise the interview for ya, piece by piece. Oh my I am nervoooous!

Well Yoshi's Island ROCKS, I suck though. Always having to save state. I can't find a working dreamcast, sega saturn, or sega genesis emulator! It's super annoying. I jus wanna play some games. Though I do need to get one of those remotes you hook up to the computer in order to play them. I wonder where I can find those at. Oh my I have to pee. This sucks. JUST GOT WIIIIICKEEEED! I can't explain this little man, taking over...

Cold rocks the cats box for reals.

All About Us

So I changed my site to fit with the mood I've had of late. I am happy, I am typing this blog on my new/old computer! Yay Dell desktop! I sit here eating pizza rolls after having set up my shit and downloading required things, scuh as mozilla, aim, ect,. I am happy for I have never had a computer of my own. Now I have a nice black one. I received this as a gift from my brother who received it from my aunt and uncle who are ridiculously rich, though they did work very hard for what they have.

You see even though my uncle is a millionaire(hell yeah i can say that) he grew up with not so much money and so did his wife. So today they carry good morals and values and raise their kids well. They are part of my inspiration to fucking do something. Make some fucking money. I don't know about all this rule abiding and children having and such. I jus wan some fuckin money. Yes, my sin is greed. I will die once I lose my pound of flesh, no bone, no cartilage, but only flesh.


V

Death

It is a dirty word for us,
It has the copper of blood we have already tasted,
Something far too familiar
Far to serious
We recognize it from any angle and breath in as it approaches
with a bow
it passes
Safe for another day
Years and years of knowing

Fucking Coffee Chancre Sore

Self Absorbed Chancre Sore,
Love you Like a Matador,
Life is Just a Metaphor,
Nothings Fair,
Love is War,
Nothing More

Mushroomhead Chancre Sore

Gotta love them motherfuckers, they rock the cats box like a motherfucker. Seriously, I love this band man.

WELL, I am stonededed

Yeah, it's pretty fuckin cool.

So, who the fuck are you? What do you wanna do? Who the fuck are you going to be? What are you doing to improve yourself? Now, do you like how you answered these questions? Shut the fuck up and do something fuckin damnit.

Get a move long


V

poem

so sitting here
biding time
until i drive in the ax
i step on your back and push it
deeper into you
and then i take it out and kiss you and wipe wounds
jus to drive in the blade
and this time i willl twist
and you will feel it all and I will feel it some
watching you, breaking me, reaching and choking me
and I cry and it burns but what must be one is what must be done!
this is the end of the story
nevermore will our heads touch and thoughts connect
I am killing you from here
be gone

High Tension Cecile de France

Well I feel so screwed on what to do. Should I jus leave him or jus ask tha he must move out. I still feel so strongly for him, but there are times where I feel like I don't care as much as I should. I don't want to be playing with his feelings. I know this is gonna ruin him. How do you make yourself stop caring about how they are? I am going to be thinking of him up alone by himself, slicing, crying and feeling so much worse than me, I am sure. I swear it's like I am killing a part of him.

I am sorry I keep bitching that is what this is for. I will tell him. Oh my oh my, wish me luck!

v

Queen Bitch

So this is a good fucking point, right?

I was bitching to Shawna about how this decision of leaving Rick, especially after sleeping with him las night, isn't as hard as, oh say, her sisters?

I felt so guilty, and Shawna told me how she is also, of course :(, having a hard time cause her bf is moving far and won't have a car and I know how that sucks actually. When Rick was in Jail, Rehab, and Baytown. So I guess I do know how she feels. We both know we have to help each other and know that it could be so much harder and there will be harder points later on.

Now I want to do something for Sarah, I wish I could watch him for her or something, so she could get rest. I just don't think I could, I wouldn't know what to do or what helps. I wish I could help. Maybe Shawna and I can figure out something when Kaden is out of the hospital.

Oi, I am in a low, and of course I am going to be on my period soon so that doesn't help. Not to mention I don't have my meds. Eeeegh....

UNDER PRESSURE, gotta love David Bowie and Queen, fuck yeah.

How do I go about doing this? I am so fucked.

BIG Mistake

Shit, I fucked up. I fucked up bad. Damn me, what the fuck is wrong with me and what the fuck do I want? How did I fuck up? Well thas it exactly. We fucked. I am so fucking weak, shit. He is passed out right now and here I sit wondering what the fuck I am gonna say if he thinks this means everything is cool. Shit, I am such a fucking idiot. FUCK

What am I doing to you
Jus fucking with you
I feel as though I will be the death of you
But isn't that a tad concieted?
This feels like a dream?
Yes it does, I never imagined I could do this to you
For the best of you you must go
You are not safe here
No caring soul is
In my land I will eat your caring and loving alive
You screaming and twisting as I swallow
Don't come near stay away
For the best of you


V

Queen of the Damned

The movie had some okay parts but the best thing was the music;

Walking, waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping, and hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think it's cool to walk right up
To take my life and fuck it up
Well did you
Well did you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by suprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Walking, waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping, and hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think its cool to walk right up
To take my life and fuck it up
Well did you
I hate you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by suprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I've slept so long without you
It's tearing me apart, too
How to get this far
Playing games with this old heart

I've killed a million petty souls
But I couldn't kill you
I've slept so long without you

I see Hell in your eyes
Taken in by suprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I see Hell in your eyes
Taken in by suprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside
(repeat to fade)

You fell away
What more can I say
The feelings evolved
I won't let it out
I can't replace
Your screaming face
Feeling the sickness inside

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine

So many words
Can't describe my face
This feelings evolved
So soon to break out
I can't relate
To a happy state
Feeling the blood running side

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine

Why is everything so fuckin hard for me
Keep me down to what you think I should be
Must you tell me and provoke the ministry
Keep on trying I'm not dying so easily

Why is everything so fuckin hard for me
Why is everything so fuckin hard for me

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine


Oi, I feel shitty, fucking boyfriend and I jus had screaming fight on phone, lossa fun. Oi, I am ridiculous, I need to find something to do other than pine away in a dark room blogging and listening to depressing ass music. Actually, with what I am doing now, why do I have to? I can chill the fuck out for once I think. However I feel like a lazy motherfucker, shite. What am I gonna dooooo? I don't know shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit sht shit


Fuck


Lossa Love

V

Poemeded

I left you for reasons you will never understand
and you sit there and you abuse
i try and try to distance and then you crawl through
and now times are harder and i am unsure
how hard i can be
in times of sadness grief rapes me
and i am aftermath
an adavan child sitting and tilting
staring but not seeing
you are not here
you try to be
be gone lost soul
your time for me is extiguished

One by One Till we Are All Alone

"Nowhere To Go"

Morning's gone
Echoes of dawn
Shaking my soul
All but done
Delirium
The rain with the cold
With nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

Nowhere to go

(we've been brought here for a reason
Be it fate, or internal treason
Souls will be saved,
Or mutiny's waged,
As we plead for something to believe in)

Ringing doubt
Full of ways out
Of something to hold
I errode
Fade like cologne
Shrink inside as i departe the throne

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

With nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

One by one til we are all alone

(have i survived)

Nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)
Breathe yet I
Can feel the knife
Widening this great divide
Confession of a fallen king
I'd do almost anything
Die to be your everything!)

If i could end this waking dream
Escape through a scream
And feel i'd won some way
Wade through this dark decay
Welcome an early grave
And put my heart away
To start another game
Its getting old
With nowhere to go

(Hollow hides
From life's embrace
Echoes siren,
My displace
My patience lies
Beside my faith
Denial behind this painted face)

All alone
More than you'll know

One by one til we are all alone

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

With nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body figureheads and lies
Have i survived)

Shrink inside as i depart the throne

(have i survived?)

Nowhere to go

(Love destroyed this body
Have i survived)

One by one til we are all alone

With nowhere to go [x2]
Theres nothing left to lose
Do what we have to do.
What do we have to prove... to you?
Theres nothing left to lose
No where to go

This song is the motherfuckin' shit, this I swear, possibly my favourite Mushroomhead song. Gotta love J-Mann. So Shawna's nephew Kayden is in the hospital and I am going to go with them to see him, I took off work and such.

I am nervous and hope I can be of some help. I always have no idea what to do. It sucks, Shawna is insanely good with kids and I am jus awkward. One more day to regret, mushroomhead is the shit.

Goin to Work with a Lie in my Pocket

For some reason I don't want to tell anyone at work about my situation. However I think I should simply for the fact that I am very distracted and normally make hardly any mistakes, and yesterday I was doing bad. I think if the female manager is there I will tell her so she can understand why I might be slow and distracted or crying n such. I jus hope it isn't to busy or there will be alot to do. But still my mind wonders and there is not enough to think about other than my current situation.

Oh yeah I didn't say earlier but I got drunk as HEEEELL last night. It actually helped alooot. Wine Merlot, some brand with a Kangaroo on it, is very tasty. I was gulpin that shit by the end. Over half the bottle, I hope Debbie doesn't get angry >.>. I had fun chatting las night and taking pics though.

Oi, but then Rick txt Shawna and I had her phone cause I was using it for pictures. So I told him I was okay how was he because I had seen what he did. He said he jus wanted to know how I was doing. For some reason I called him and he ended up crying and saying he had to go and hanging up. We talked three times. I need to do reps.

I am gonna run on treadmill now, I am sure I will have something to post about tonight.

Veeeezeeeerrrriiie

oh yes and that ^ is a pic from las night during drunkeness, and I was crying though you cannot tell :(

It's All About Us

I don't care what CERTAIN ESKYS think, I like this song by Tatu. Too damned catchy.

Well I cried while taking a shower. Can't stop, I randomly think of things that remind me of good times me and Rick had and even now I feel on the verge of tears. Shit.

Well I talked to my brother Andrew, youngest of boys but three years older than me. We are planning on getting a tattoo together for my birthday, and I guess for his since ours are exactly a month apart, strange huh? Well I plan on getting a picture of an evil smiley face on my right calve, outer side. I think of getting coloured but that would make it one houndred so I am gonna see how much it would be with no colour.

Well I did not explain but I broke up with Rick yesterday. There is like a fucking huge hole in my heart. It hurts, feels as though I am bleeding from the inside. Shit. It was for my and his best. Though I didn't realize that it WAS for him also, whether he would believe at this point or not because before he asked and I said no it wasn't for him. How else is he to realize and possibly get initiative to better himself and do something about his life. I feel for him damn it. I know him so well now. He was crying and bleeding and I had to go by my house today(he is staying there until he can move out, I am staying at best friends Shawna) and he was there sleeping. I then went and got into the shower and that's when the crying started, it was sudden and uncontrollable and I could feel the tears through the water.

Luckily I have my friends Shawna, her boyfriend Gera, and of course Dr. Esky who has the prescription :D.

Cause I am stronger now, since you crawled away your so far away...

I love Trust Company, you wanna tear me down you wanna hold me down you cant control me now, but you cant cause I'm stronger now.

Wow this song goes surprisingly well with my situation. I love downfall, bad ass song.

Yay, popcorn, trying to distract my eyes so they won't break me. Shit, I feel horrid. Apparently Shawna's mom, Debbie, whom is a good lady, wants to speak with me about my situation. When I called Shawna after I broke up with him I talked to her mom and asked if it would be okay if I stayed for a few days until Rick could leave, she said yes. She is a really good woman, Ms Debbie, she bought wine and let me drink some, I didn't mean to drink over half the bottle >.<. I hope she doesn't get pissed if she hasn't seen it. I needed it, and it helped me relax. I appreciate these people so much. Oh yes, they bought me creamer for coffee also! Who does that? Only awesomely nice understandable people. I love my second family who sometimes feels like my first. It's funny cause yesterday I was gone for like, four hours, and Shawna called and said she was wondering if I was coming back cause she missed me :*). Jus bring a tear to a glass eye, as my dad would say. I am not use to kindness but what should you expect of someone you've known for a lil over twelve years? Shawna is awesome and my physical opposite but in the head we are both crazy hyperactive bitches. I love me friend so heres a pic of her instead of the tatt I want, which I will post later.

I didn't know you could have more than one pic so the smiley face is the tatt I want, and it's gonna be about the size of a c.d.

Songs I Like

"Bitemarks & Bloodstains"

My or may we be this way forever?
Tell me lover what will become of the other
Bones, skin, nails and flesh
On a bed of lack of passion, a medieval consequence
They worry you with all the talk of how your not their kind

Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
There is always one more fault

Now adjust it, you must trust me darling
Subsequentially it seems you deserve more than me
They bury you while wearing garments of funeral fire

Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
There is always one more fault
Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
There is always one more fault

This will hurt you, it's killing me
This will hurt you, it's killing me
This will hurt you, it's killing me
This will hurt you, and I will to, and I will

Bloodloss, bloodlust, for this girl
Bloodloss, bloodlust, for this boy
Bloodloss, bloodlust, for this girl
Bloodloss, bloodlust, for this boy, this boy

But now I punch a wound and once again forgive my sin

Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
There is always one more fault
Now i'm stealing her body and taking it home
This is forever
There is always one more fault
This is forever

"Solitaire Unraveling"

Locked Away In A Cage
My Rage Has Got The Best Of Me
Time Finds A Way Each Day
Of Leaving Less Of Me Behind
I Find This Fight Must Be Won
Inside The Mind
So Uptight And Confined
Often Blinded By The Light
Taking It's Toll
On My System
Like Some Played Out Existence
Time Ticks Away
These Last Few Moments
Is There Anything
We've Left Unsaid?
I'm On A Quest
For Atonement
I've Got To Find Piece Of Mind
And A Place To Rest
Biding My Time
Until I'm Strong Enough
To Fight Back
Hope,
I Hope Against Hope
For Some Resistance
Been Taking It Out On My System
Rest-There's A Calm Before The Storm
And The Western Front Is Quiet
I've Got Rembrandt As My Right Hand
And Solo As My Pilot
Condemned Man
Condemned
Convicted Man
Convicted
Could Not Save My Life
Cutting Strand By Strand
Passing It Off
Like Some Kind Of King
You Don't Know Peace
'til You've Had Suffering
I've Suffered
All Of Your So Called Resolve
But You Haven't Tasted Pain
Have You Ever Been Inside
Of The New Masterpiece?
Rest
Have You Ever Been Inside?
Rembrandt As My Right Hand
And Solo As My Pilot
Have You Ever Been Inside
Of The New Masterpiece
Condemned Man
Condemned
Convicted Man
Convicted
Could Not Save My Life
Cutting Strand By Strand
Strand By
Strand By
Strand By Strand
Condemned

"The Bird And The Worm"

He wears his heart
safety pinned to his backpack
His backpack is all that he knows
Shot down by strangers
whose glances can cripple
the heart and devour the soul

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he crawls
like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

Out of his mind away
pushes him whispering
must have been out of his mind
mid-day delusions of pushing this out of his head
maybe out of his mind

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he
crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

All he knows
If he can't relieve it it grows
and so it goes
he crawls like a worm
crawls like a worm from the bird

Out of his mind away
pushes him whispering
must have been out of his mind

All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
to save his life he crawls
like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird

All alone
he's holding his breath half to death
Terrified to save his life
he crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm from a bird
crawls like a worm
crawls like a worm
crawls like a worm from a bird


"Attack"

I won't suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, or give up what I
Started and stopped it, from end to beginning
A new day is coming, and I am finally free

Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll aa-WHOOOAAAAAAAAA

I would have kept you, forever, but we had to sever
It ended for both of us, faster than a
Kill off this thinking, it's starting to sink in
I'm losing control now, and without you I can finally see

Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll aa-WHOOOAAAAAAAAA

Your promises, they look like lies
Your honesty, like a back that hides a knife (knife)
I promise you (promise you)
I promise you (promise you)
And I am finally free

Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll attack, I will attack

Run away, I'll attack, I will attack
Run away, I'll attack, I will attack

Run away (Run away), I'll attack (I'll attack)
I'll aa-WHOOOAAAAAAAAA

Your promises
(promises, promises)
I promise you
(promise you)
I promise you
(promise you, promise you)

The End Of Heartache

Seek me, call me
I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

My Stomache Is Laughing At Me

From the inside out it is screaming and laughing and sayin FUCK YOU I dont need YOU FUCKER. Shit what to do angry typing loud keys speak to me speak to me dear god please speak to me.

Dare You?

How much can you ask of someone? How much will they be willing to give? Can you truly trust this person and do you really believe what you are thinking? I will leave that up to you.

Simply put you can never truly trust anyone. Fucking Hell you can't even trust yourself most of the time and another human? HUMAN! The most horribly flawed creatures on this planet. Many of us should be fucking killed. This is horrible. Damn to fuckin Hell I curse alot.

So I don't know. Lots of love to my 'homies', yeah what fucking friends? FUCK OFF SHIT

<3 Vezerie
V in Pdap
I was crazy friendly nice in mental hospital, I miss them they somewhat understood.

Shawna's Tub

Why is it I feel more inspired to write when I am on the actual blogspot site than when in documents? I jus can never seem to write anything. Though I guess it' different now because I am typing right now. Oi I feel sick.

I thought I was constipated but no.

For some reason I wanted to share that with you bloggie.

I told my sister whether I get this comp or the desktop I am naming it Steve, don't know why and do not think I need a reason. Big piece a clear scotch tape reading “STEVE” possibly in tribute to the poorly declining Steve-O who is a true badass with some shitty problems. I hope he can get his shit together before something fatal happens, even if he wants it.

It is amazing the random things I care about. Wow. My good awesomely cool friend Issy has started a blog so here is a link if you'd like to read about someone elses problems. I love the guy and his life is like a frikkin drama or something; http://indeliblesin.blogspot.com/

I love you people even if you do not exist I love all those who act with reason and intelligence and you are not a fucking drone. Rock the FUCK on!

Veezy

Blada blah

I need some sever help in many areas. I lack ability to comprehend and understand. I need something I do not have. Want much of not what I own. I need other things.

Why so needy I wonder? Why can't I be happy withe the life I have? What is wrong with it? Fuckin everything damn me.

I don't know not sure what to think what to do what to do what to do what to do....

Love is a very fucked up emotion. Makes you feel as though you can't leave them. Then the part of you that is losing that feeling of love starts dying and you don't know what to do because you always have an inch of life in that part and the love fucking burns you. I feel third degrees.

Shit, I don't know. Like I might have said at some point, I am melodramatic indecisive and confused as Hell at this point. I wish I could be like some people and jus leave and say fuck it but my FUCKING MIND. KEEPS FUCKIN REELING AND SAYING WHAT WILL YOU DO HOW WILL YOU LIVE WHO WILL COMFORT YOU WHO WILL YOU FUCK WHAT WILL YOU DO WHAT WILL YOU DO WHAT WILL YOU DO

Shit. I am jus so fucking angry now. Inside I am like a fuckin bull. Encaged in a body wanting to fucking destroy everything punch everything calm this fucking need. NEED I swear to God that's what it is.

My friends asked me to pray for her nephew Kayden, who is insanely cute by the way. Now you can see him. Anywho, I love the little guy and when you see him you know he'll overcome the fucked up position the motherfucking literally coke head doctor put him in. He is a strong little boy but unfortuantly he arches uncontrollably to the point of tears and seizures every five minutes or so. He has a tube in his stomache so he can eat. His formula cost twenty six dollars and it las two and a half days. His first trip to the doctor, and hes been there many times, cost a million dollars.

BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING DOCTOR AND HOSPICE!

Yes they are sueing. However now you can only get a certain amount from doctors and whatever they get they have to pay bad medicade. Then there is the future care of their adorable child. Las night Sarah, his mother and my friends half sister, cried walking talking about it. I let her know the truth. She is an incredibly strong woman, she has managed to keep smiling and trying to think positive through this. But she must ask, and I do/don't really understand, Why did this have to happen to her? Her baby was healthy as could be, he was fine until she got to the hospital. Fucking bastard people who don't give a shit. It is very upsetting to me. I don't understand it I don't. IT IS A BABY. It
s Texas children, shouldn't they know about this shit. Now poor Kayden has to deal with the consequences, and of course his parents. Sarah looks as though she never gets any sleep. I am hoping to try and find possible donations or someone who can maybe help them. I love you all and hope you will be okay. Like I told Sarah, this boy WILL overcome and do something great, I can feel it when I see his bright eyes. I think you would be able to also. Sarah said she knew the same thing but jus felt down about the disabilities infront of him. He has not been able to progress very much. He has a younger cousin who can do more than little kayden. But we love him and he is awesome!

Love you all.

Shit Fuck

So basically I am sitting here pondering men. There is a fellow who is very far but seems very near. Then there is the one who is so close and yet seems miles away. Why must I be such a fucking indesicive freak? I don't know what to do or write and I feel fucking crazy. Like I am drifting away like I did a few months ago for three months. Ugh, I want help and someone who can be fucking right. What the fuck am I talking about. Why do I always feel on the verge of tears?

Damn shit. I need help. Shit fuck shit shit fuck fuck shit. Love, love me do....I used to not believe in love. Then I did, and now I don't know what to think. I feel like I've been beaten. I want to cry and laugh and curl up in a ball and be FUCKING FRENZY!

SHIT!!!!

p.s
kayden is shawnas nephew, he has cerebal palsey thus seizures, he is adorable and a shame he has this. But this boy will be great. He is an angel this I swear. If you pray do so for him, shawna asks this of me.

Fuckin Panic

Always with the panic attacks I am. I hate this paralyzing bullshit. Feel so fucking angry I can't stand it. I wanna fuckin bust my head in or punch the fuckin wall. I am not in my house. This is a nuisance. I feel so lonely for some reason. Need to do something and feel different must do something. Ever and ever and ever I know you and don't have the courage to leave you I love you.

Shit.

Birthday Party Sad

Well I am at my friend of twelve years birthday bash. Jus some relatives and her bf. It is cool. I feel very empty and lonely though.
Just got off the phone with Rick and of course we fought. When don't we fight is the real question. Ooooh well. He is mad because I can't decide if I want to spend the night or go home later. Like he says hes pissed off because Im indecisive. What the motherfucking fuck? How are you angry with someone for something like that? I can understand if it was to a degree where it was fucking things up or something but this is little shit man, i mean come on. I'm jus super frustrated and don't have anyone I feel as though I could really talk to at this point. I mean I jus feel like there isnt anyone I can truly talk to. Jus totally lay shit out without worrying about what theyll think or say. Not to mention I jus dont want to talk about this stuff most of the time. I wish it would jus go away but it wont. Ever.

Simple Gas

Well I need to get ready to go swimming but I wanted to post something first. Why is it I find it difficult to go one day without having horrid confrontations with my significant other?
Always issues we have. I do love him now, I am jus not sure what to do. He is always paranoid and grumpy as of late. I can't do much to get him to chill either. He is always super tense and stress. OF course lets not look at the fact that Im the one with the job and the stress of supporting the animals(which i know i brought upon myself)but i desperately wish that since he is staying with me he would help beside being somewhat maid like and angry all the time.

He is always assuming i am talking to "my boyfriend" and such, what the hell is that shit about hmm? why would i have a fucking boyfriend. I made a mistake with tim which is not going to happen again. I wish he could trust me I really do. Damn this is frustrating and it seems like this is the shit I always talk about. It's amazing how you can say things online that you could never say in person. I find it so hard to verbally get my thoughts out, at least correctly, but here it's like I have all the time to figure out what the fuck is wrong. I can see how people say this shit is therapeutic. I jus hope none of my family or irl friends find this. I don't want to worry about people bombarding me with questions about whats wrong and shit. I'll figure it out myself, I did that when I had an actual therapist and I will continue to try to fix my own fucked up problems.

When I was thirteen I used to desperately hope for amnesia. I wanted to get away from the fact that love is fake and friends lie and people are killed and tortured every fucking day because no one can cherish a God damn thing anymore. I want to inform. I want to stop this madness of killing and hurting and hold them all. Shh shh babies sleep silent. With machine guns and bombs going off in your dreams. We cannot escape this war torn world and few lucky will leave with a clean conscious. The lucky are the children who die young and are not perverted and left stained by this dirty dog eat dog world.

Why are people so fucking idiotic? Why do people think that because you work at a fucking restaurant you are below them? What kind of semi intelligent person would even think this? Yet constantly wealthy people come in and talk to me like a child and refuse to look me in the eye or even say hi as i greet them at the door. At work I am very polite and as nice as I can manage, which is pretty fuckin good for someone as cynical as me. Yet people look at the ground or carefully avoid my eyes. Some dont even respond and then later come up to me for a table after ignoring the shit out of me when you know they fuckin heard you. What do I do in these situations? NIne times out of ten I turn around and pretend I dont notice them until THESE bitches get MY attention. Just to see if they like it. Honestly, how do you jus blatantly ignore a HUMAN BEING. YES rich people out there, hostesses and waiters ARE people just LIKE YOU. Surprise fucking surprise.

I wish to one day rise above all the shit thats been put in front of me and do something really fucking great, even if its jus fuckin graduating from a university, though my hope is that it ill be a medical university. Then as I stand over ex patients to put them to sleep they will wonder if theyll ever wake up from surgery. Most of them won't.

this sucks

I wish i could be talking to my friend. i feel lonely with someone i shouldnt. i wish i could be with someone i think i know. confusion will beat you down when nothing else will. i love my friends
i am sorry of my sudden departure hopefully ill write in an hour or so

i feel lonely and to the point of frenzy

Confusion on a lonely night

I am dealing with someone who seems to have a constant issue with me. Why do I put up with this shit?
I have ways to take care of myself. He is not a necessity at this point. What keeps me with him other than the past and all the secrets we share of each other? I don't know damnit. I am forever confused. What should I do?
I wish I knew, or someone could just give me the answer I am searching for. However, do I maybe know the answer but I am just to scared to face it alone? No matter how many people say they have my back I will always be alone in this decision, and the consequences that will follow. I feel so very scared.