Feel Lonesome and Lost

I feel as though I am losing people I was once close with.

Someone who I talk to online is saying things such like, I am on talking to him but always doing something and always leaving. I left Shawna's house early and didn't tell her or call her, she has not been online or called me. Amy is telling me all the reasons why I should leave Rick and now I jus don't feel like doing anything.

I feel like if he leaves I will be alone, have the responsibility of keeping the pets fed and clean, taking care of the room and then in August I will be taking GED classes and I am currently trying to get another job. I am not gonna have a bed or tv. No huge dresser so I don't know what I will be doing with my huge amount of clothes. I am scared to be alone, obviously, I don't know how I will turn out after this. I feel love for him but it is dwindling every time he doubts me and says harsh things. I am breaking and unable to take this.*and he would take the A/C*

I suppose on the positive hand I will be able to do whatever and not worry about what Rick is thinking. Though this scares me because I do not want to become reckless and careless. I will have A LOT more room since his table, bed, and dresser take up a good sixty-five percent of the room. I can see friends more often and do whatever I want online without pissing him off. Luckily I now have a few weed connections.

I am scared of what is to come. What I will do, such as my kittens. I have six kittens that I will have to find homes for. I have to get rid of my kitten, the mother and her newer kittens. Not to mention Rick has to take his cat or take her to CAPS himself. Or give me the money to do it. Another thing is Rick is going to have to come back eventually to get his bed, dresser, and table. So I will look forward to that. I also need to go somewhere once I do it. I think it is going to be tomorrow and I think I will first call Amy and tell her what I am doing and then break the news to Rick and hopefully Amy will be willing to pick me up so I won't have to be here.

I don't want to hurt him! We have been through so much and doing this to him seems so wrong, but honestly, I feel as though he has been plenty heartless to me before so maybe I should try it out.

All I know is I am going to need a good amount of weed and some new anti anxiety meds. This busparin shit don't cut it. It jus makes me feel all dizzy like. But since I told my Mum in the doctors office tha I wanted to be an anesthesiologist and not deal with patients my doc made a smartass comment and has sense then seemed a little eh...

Anywho, I still feel distance between me and certain people and I want to make amends, I want to get my GED, I want to kick the SAT's ass, I wanna go to college and do something. I wanna help my animals and give them the best life I can. I hope to find a decent job ASAP. I hope I can get glasses birthday free. All I really wanna do is get some books, maybe some clothes, or maybe do something for my pets for my b day. Get some good kitty flea shampoo or something. I need to decide what I want.

i love you all

Impy

WHAT WHAT WHAAAT

I will NEVER EVER leave you my loverly blog! I LOVER YOU!

I love when Jim Carrey played home boy on Lemony Snicket, twas HILARIOUS!

I love ranomosity. I love Chrono Cross soundtrack and I love the idea of tatts! So far I want five. Sonic, Brand, Blue Seed, JTHM, and Smiley face :D.

So I am either getting my tatt(the brand) later tonight or jus on my birthday, unless the guy(Jesse) comes back before then and I have money I'll probably get it done. I am nervous but still REALLY excited. I love Rick's tatts! I jus wish he didn't find them all unattractive :/.

Tattoo Tonight....Scared!

Well in a hour or so, should be an hour by this point, I am gonna go down the street and get my first ink! I have the picture posted above, it isn't exactly what I am getting but what I want. Then Rick is getting two tatts so I kinda want another one as well. If the first one goes fine, I presume. I will post a pic of both I want. Actually I already posted one of JTHM(Johnny the Homicidal Maniac), I want him and the dough boys but not the whole picture.

The story behind my firs tatt has some meaning from where it came from and why I am getting it. First, where it came from. In the series Berserk, there is a guy named Guts who joins the Band of the Hawk. The leader is named Griffith. Well Griffith is a bad ass who will do anything for his troupes and is basically an awesome fighter who no one can defeat. Now he has something he got when he was young called a Behelidit head. It summons the Godhand. Which are three evil Gods. Basically he has to give up sacrifices, say "I sacrifice.." whomever and then they are all killed by horrible demons and before hand driven insane by it all. So Griffith ends up turning in his own troupes to these Gods and they are all killed after being marked by the Brand of the Godhand. Which is the tatt I am getting. Only two people survive, one is crazy(his female interest, Casca) and the other is almost a mute, bad ass fighter, Guts. So whenever evil approaches it begins turning red and eventually bleeding. Pretty intense I find. So he had his on the side of his neck and mine is either going to be on the back of my neck or my back. I don't knoooow!

So the reason I am getting it? My hidden deep meaning? Not all to deep. When I got into this series and played the game it was one of the few things in life I enjoyed at the time. It is also an emotional and brutal journey these characters go through and you can feel the authors emotion through his work. So yeah, also the reason why I am getting my second tattoo, middle of my back somewhat lower. The Brand will be somewhat on my neck, I think the three lines on top will, and the rest will go down.

So yeah, excited and scared! Wish me luck! Lots of love,

Impy-san

I Feel Hungry and Shitty

Well my fault through keeping my boyfriend I am always signing off AIM whenever he walks into the room. Even though I am not even talking to the person he doesn't want me talking to. I keep leaving friends at crucial moments. Yesterday was the worse. Someone was depressed and was about to tell me about it and then another friend was describing their mental problem. What is wrong with me? Why do I bend so easily to ones will? I am so hungry but I do not want to eat. I feel fat from all the shit I have eaten in the last few days. I feel tired too. I think I have cigarette and coffee...

Oh yeah, I don't know if someone was there or not when I logged on today but he didn't respond, I hope he isn't ignoring me but I get the feeling tha could be it. I am an ass >.<. Shit, I feel crappy, Imma go...

Imp

Kinda Pissed

So I found this site where they basically bitch out kids for cutting themselves and or trying to kill themselves. Granted, some kids are annoying and trying to get attention. Though wouldn't you think for a child to go tha extreme something is obviously wrong with them? It isn't that they FAILED AT LIFE! It's tha someone severely fucked them up or they have some comprehending of some shit tha you will never understand.

I am a fucking cutter. I don't do it for show. I don't hope people will ask and point it out. Fucking thoughts cannot be stopped and the only way to end the flow of fucked up thought is by distracting your mind. The only way to know you won't fucking forget some stupid ass shit you did was to MAKE yourself remember FORCE IT UPON YOURSELF. So you leave a scar and you will NEVER forget. Some of us might be pussies but do you know what it takes to sit there and carve and sit in your fucking mind trying to wake yourself up?

veZ

West Oaks Drug Dependency

Raoul Duke: Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's, and fast heel-toe work.

Dedicated to Eskified.

I don't know why but I have an urge to get out what it was like in the hospital so I am going to do my best to describe the day to day routine we all had there. All of us crazis in the adolescent unit.

So there are two units for adol., the other, I think it was section 4, held the more intense bad kids. So I suppose we were spose to be calm or something.

So the day in question. It started with me waking up to my father and my therapist, Desiree, standing over me telling me to get up. They were going to take me to the hospital. I slowly began to remember things from the night before. How I had taken a bottle of Xanax and was so fucked up. I remember crying as I gathered a few things in my purse not knowing what I would need. Well we first drove to West Oaks and I didn't speak the whole ride up, I felt so fucking betrayed by them.

When we got there and they told them my situation they said that I would have to go to the hospital first and have some tests done to make sure there wouldn't be anymore effects from the drugs. So I went there and the testing lasted all day. They did something called a rainbow test where they filled up different coloured cartidges from one syringe. By eight or nine at night my dad and sister went with me in the ambulance to west oaks which was kinda spooky in a way. The EMT's were these two really sweet ladies though who told me not to worry and tha parents can be crazi and whatnot, my mother was in jail at the time for shoplifting. So I went in and got my picture taken and sat in the waiting room until the little interview. Soon I was in the adolescent headquarters. It was one huge room lined with rooms on both sides, in one area was a t.v behind plastic and some seats, there was also a fold out table where most of the kids were sitting then, talking and joking. After I was told my room, and given the basic hygene supplies, I put my things up and went and decided to be un shy for once and as I approached the table I heard someone say "Crack head" So I began to inquire about crack and thus met Allie, Courtnay, Jack, Erin and I cannot remember the other two.

It was so odd waking up in a strange place alone because I did not have a roommate. They awoke me at 6:30 am for vitals and whatnot. Then I had to get a blood test with another girl who had come in earlier in the day, this was Amanda and we were good friends. We both freaked out because we were afraid of needles. So once this was done I would join the other girls on the couches watching t.v. Whatever we could watch without getting in trouble. Occasionally we could sneak Family Guy.

Breakfast was at 7:30, lunch 11:30, and I think dinner was at 7:30 pm or something. The food was really the only thing you could look forward to. Though sometimes there wouldn't be a thing I could stand to eat and those days sucked.

Every other day or so we would go outside. There was a large field surrounded by a sidewalk enclosed by connecting buildings of other units. We would all go to the kids playground and talk and jus be like kids. It was nice not worrying about reality and being able to talk with other people who had fucked up problems and who were being fed meds and being forced to converse.

I get teary eyed thinking about it. It seemed simple but so sad because all of us were there because someone had done something to us. Or we had done something to ourselves to stop pain. Ashley's step mother was a real bitch and in her diary, that she hid under a floorboard, she wrote about how she would kill her stepmother real scientific like. Her step mom went in her room with a metal detector and found it. Allie was anorexic and had "anger problems". Many people were there for suicidal letters. There was one boy who had come in later on, it's so sad and I miss him. Jamie. He was bi and had tried to kill himself by taking a crap load of Lunesta and brutally slicing his wrist with a disposable razor. He ended up being transferred because his mother was a bitch and his grandmother wouldn't let him move in with her. Now he is just moving from hospice to hospice.

It saddens me to think how people can just toss their children aside and not want to see them and want them to get better and want to do everything in your power to help them. Instead they jus exile you and hope to not hear from you. We are the poor children who are found to be nuisance and pests. We cry together hug each other, dress each other up speak and rant and write poems and hear our sorrows and we are the only ones who understand this dept of sadness that breaks us down till we are five years old sitting on the floor staring blankly into nothing.

We cut our wrists and bang our heads and blast the music and write so hard we want to forget it all and be loved know we are loved and cared for and not something so easily discarded. Something so easily hurt and tortured and un cared for.

Erin was raped by her step father. Her real father is in prison. She had fantasies of killing her molester.

Every weekday they held two hour long classes tha were spose to be educational. However all we learned about were mental problems. A few questions and sometimes we would watch a movie. It was pretty random.

I remember the first time I saw Forrest Gumo was there. It was a Friday or Saturday. We had cookies and milk boxes and we all camped infront of the t.v and watched and laughed and it was fun.

Of course there were the booty shots.

Thick liquid tha they shot into your ass if you fought or wouldn't calm down. I wish I could remember the name of the boy who came to the hospital often, seemed he was always dumped by his mum and dad. He would always get angry and get tackled or climb on his door or fight in general. He gotten the shot many times and had been put in solitary confinement many times aswell. But we were a fucked up family for the few days or weeks we were there. I miss them all and my thoughts always remember the, my fucked up friends.

So after I eventually got out of the hospital I was put into in patient. Which is a whole nother story all together. :)

BLAH

Early it's five forty-one and I am listening to the Epiphany of Sweeney Todd. I swear this song is flippin awesome. I am obsessed with things like Fred and Chris Crocker. I suck. Blah Tired need coffee...

A Question to Myself

So if I want a tattoo how am I gonna stand it if I can't even make a decent size cut in myself? What is wrong with me?! BLAHDA

To Thin Freaks

So thin is beautiful? I weigh about 126 and I don't find myself an overweight freak!

Thinspiration is Disteration

So I have checked out these web sites about "Thinspiration" encouraging anorexics with tips and what not. What kinda shit is this? Damn this world is fucked, huh? I am glad I have hips and curves and am not a walking stick. Fuck that! They may be thin but can they hit? I bet you all that I can beat the shit outta ten thinspiration bitches before any of them can lay a finger on me. Let's not have anyone assume jealousy, who would be jealous of this poor thin girl above? FUCK THAT!

The New Cult King

Well I sit here in my huge sunglasses inside because I don't know where my regular glasses are. I have deduced tha, unless someone becomes insanely generous I am not going to get my tatt. I suppose this isn't too bad. Simply because I cannot decide on what tatt I want. I have started to look at JTHM pics. I want a specific one but I can't seem to find pictures of it anywhere. This sucks!

I feel very tired and full. Family finally got food. Okay I am gonna do a run through of my priorities in life;

GED
SAT's
PAY OFF TICKET
START SAVINGS
CAR

Oi I need a car horribly. I am going to get one of those papers tha has the employment ads in them. Wish me and Shawna luck! We both need jobs, Shawna is going to get a car and will have to pay for most gas and all of her insurance. I simply need to keep my animals fed and start saving to pay off this $500-$600 ticket. Then save up for a car ect., Thinking about it makes me wanna cry :(. I hate addictions. I hate responsibilities. I wanna get rid of these animals and these needs and not worry about such things.

I am so worried and nervous. Upsetting thinking about this stuff. Don't know what to do. I love everyone! Yeah right..starting to care less and less..sadness

Gone Fuckin' Wrong!

^Tha is them, Blue October, you fucking rock^


A blackout in the room again
a busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom
and dare not bother asking
why the mirror's craked and all I see
are shards of glass inside of me.

There's voices there to dare me,
my father's here to scare me.
My mother sits beyond the door she's
curled up crying on the floor,
look at what her son's done.

When the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again.
Gone fucking wrong.
It's gone wrong again.

Well liars they leave a guilty trail.
And let me tell you something people,
I've been lying for fucking years.
That must be why I'm standing in this space.
Disregarding that I've created these monsters
they're on fucking both of my sides,
So I wipe the blood from both of their eyes.
From all four of their eyes.

And while I wait for wounds to heal
I see you by the window sil,
your heart's torn out
a plastic spoon
when honesty lit up that room
so I stole the pillowcase to clean
this mess I've made of someones dream.
Now you've seen what I've done,

when the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again
gone fucking wrong
it's gone all wrong again.

This room is old and wise
I fall onto the bed and wonder,
"How did I get here?"
The little boy who would argue with a tree
just fucking thump his head
and he'll turn back to normal.

Now why is that what I see?
Don't bother trusting
don't bother waiting
don't bother changing things that won't give into changing
just let me go away.
I'm packed
whenever
I'm down
whenever.
Let's go.
Yes, let's go.

Seriously, I love this song because it sounds good live and it is so depressing. Makes me wanna hug the singer! But it also feels too familiar. Oh my, this song dude...gives me chills! I gotta jam..

Vez

I'M BLIND

Nah but like I cannot see worth a crap. This monitor is only two and a half feet infront of my face and I can't see it without glasses. DARN! Oh BTW I am at Shawna's sister's mom's house! BLAHDA! My stomach hurts and I feel funny. My head feels funny, really though.

Well people are gone on Haitus. Fred and a friend. Dunno. Wanted to talk to my furnd Pills but didn't have computer where I was at and this one does not have AIM. Soooo, I dunno This is all I have for now, I am sure there will be more later on at home. Love from Me

Vezerie

What are you talking about?

Well I feel a little off right now. I'm sitting here with a muscle relaxer or two in my system. Needing to go to bed because I have to job hunt tomorrow. I feel tired and stressed. I hate job hunting and don't even have an Adavan to take! Darnit. It would help me so. Hopefully I can jus knock out, drink some coffee in the morning and get okay and not so stressed. Hopefully I won't feel sick and queasy like I have been. I feel pressured to talk and all I want to do is sit in my mind and think up "fantasies", things that will never happen maybe how my life could be in different scenarios and things I probably shouldn't dwell on. However I always go back to my imaginary life in there. My Memory Palace. The place is as black and deep as space and I can dwell to horrible memories tha shame me or make me need to cry or to hurt myself bite my life or beat myself or turn up the music so loud I can't think. Tha is what I do most of the time when I get deeply unpleasant thoughts. I turn up that fucking music but sometimes it isn't loud enough and those times are hard. I need to find a way to get brought out of these pits. I know I sound emo but this IS my blog and where I can bitch and rant so fuck all ya'll tha think I'm being a bitch. See how paranoid I am? Damn, I need to fucking relax. I've taken a muscle relaxer and yet my muscles are tense and stressed and I want to lie down and feel warmth and no talking jus laying and being held and being cared after. Shit

Vezerie

Got My Hair Did!

Well yesteryear Crystal did my hurr! She braided it for me and Rick had fun with that :P.
Lots and lots of fun :D.

Soooo!! Imma post a couple of pics of me getting my hair done and whatnot. I've been talking to my awesome homie Piiiills! I hadn't talked to him in so long and now we talk on phone and whatnot, I realize some people, like Shawna, says more online and some peoples, like Pills is more talkative on phone. Even though he told me normally he's not! WAHASD...

Imma post later I can't think

LOVE YOU ALL! VVENCH

Today today....

I have cigarettes! Soft pack marlboro menthols for 1.40! AWESOME! Two packs, smoked half of one, well between me and Rick. Smokin' the reefer of COURSE. Oh I FINALLY saw Fred's new video, fuckin' hilarious! Well Imma go smoke and I'll post more.

I only want you to see my favourite part of me

And not my ugly side.


This is the song I can't stop listening to and I am positive I have talked about it more than once and there is a reason for this. It's so sad and the music is pretty. I dunno, despite what certain people say(IRISH KUNG FU!) I like Blue October besides the lead singers supposed bastardness.

I hate trying not to slouch. It's like so built in I always catch myself slouching and I wanna bite myself! Damn! Shawna's Dad left me coffee! YAY! Kinda surprising since las night I let Shawna have two hits and she started having a crazi ass panic attack. Then after fifteen or twenty minutes she jus started acting stoned until we went to bed, or I went to bed then she eventually laid down with me.

I hate going to bed! I feel sleep is most deffinetly a waste of time. Also, I am just stubborn. Like, how much stuff I could get done if sleep wasn't a fucking necessity, this shit is FUCKED UP!

I LOVE YOU

BLAHDA FLUFFY

Saltines and Chrono Cross Soundtrack

I sit listening to Zelbess, from the town of Termina in Chrono Cross, a badass video game, my favourite RPG, on the playstation. I am currently reading medical student blogs from the University of Michigan Medical School. Very interesting stuff and they have blogs from multiple students which makes it entertaining since med students don't have a lot of time to blog often. I jus hope one day I can be at the point where I can call myself a med student, how surreal would tha be? The blog is called Dose of Reality if anyone feels the need to check it out.

Well I am so infatuated with the idea of a good education and anticipate my coming GED courses which I hope I can excel in. I am desperately hoping I will get a good grasp of the work and information laid before me and tha it will actually stick in my head.

I am comtemplating what to spend birthday bucks on. Basically it comes down to this;
1. material possessions
2. tattoo money
3. glasses money

and tha is basically it. I dunno what to do, I am still hoping he will buy me glasses without question but I am scurred to ask. T.J always has to add insult to injury it seems. It's probably good for me but it sucks the shit outta ya self esteem.

This song is called Leaving the Body, it's so pretty and sad. I love how this music seems to contain much emotion with zero words.

VVench

Why do I love you?

Why do you love me? I hate, you hate, I hate, you love me, I hate everything about you, why do I love you?

Seriously tha song is perfect for my situation, a few years back when tha song came out it was the most played on 94.5 the buzz on Valentines Day, isn't tha fucked?

Well I jus don't know what to do with myself....I love The White Stripes.

Well lately I have been playing Harvest Moon for the SNES, badass motherfuckin' game seriously. I jus got me field clean and now I work on building a field and such. I am way to into these old school games. I love Yoshi! I don't know...Sushi, yummy....

My friend has this awesome funny totally real blog and I hope he keeps it up! Go PillPopper! I hope one day we meet and smoke the biggest blunt we both ever did see! It will be full of randomness and uselessness and movie watching :D.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell I don't know what else to say right now so Imma go and figure out what to do, probably smoke a bowl.

VVench

Liking Blue October Song

Well I sit and think contemplating getting T.J's laptop if I still can. I think it would be worth it to have a little laptop I can take to and fro. Like this is nice(my desktop) but can't take it outside when I want to go smoke a cigarette.

Well I am planning on saying fuck you to my bastard relatives. For some reason I get a feeling of some animosity from my aunt Heather, and I feel uneasy about her. Her smile seems placed and not true, at least not when holding a conversation with me. I do not know. I am sure when she and my fucking grandmother get together they have some Hella nice conversations about me. My grandmother, the one who came with me to my therapy appointment and asked the therapist in front of me saying "Well I know Valerie does a lot of drugs and what not so couldn't she of just made all this up?" this was a therapy appointment about my molestation issue. WHAT THE FUCK?! How do you just say that fucking shit? Not looking at me, speaking as though I am not even there. I can't understand this shit.

I don't know if I talked about this already but I can't forget it. It angers me every time I think about her or my relatives. Uncles and aunt. How they are exclusive from us. How my grandmother wouldn't get my sister anything or acknowledge my mix nephews presence. I just do not get it. Fucking cruel old bitch. I plan on one day when I have my own transportation to meet her and tell her how I feel and why and inform her tha I do not need her fucking help and will never want it. I will not acknowledge her as she did not acknowledge my mum as one of her children. You fucking bitch! Your own fucking daughter! How can I be related to this person? SHIT!

Ugly Side

Listening to Ugly Side by Blue October, eh I don't know about them. They are certainly odd. I love coffee. I feel fuzzy, I need to shave. I am quite odd feeling at the time. I dunno. I am unsure of what to saaay. Why do I post if I don't know what to say? I should jus go take a bath.

VVench

I do NOT know!

Well I am getting more and more excited as I read Med Student blogs. I must say I am jealous. I wish I had the memory and what not to begin retaining information. Oi I am so tired, I need coffee!

Well I must be tired. My glasses, which are always sliding off my face whenever I bend over, and tha I think I've had for two or three years, jus broke. Now I wan to cry this sucks. See, unlike some kids who at the age of 17 will still not have to pay for things such as glasses, I do, and do to the fact tha the job I have pays shittily, I cannot afford to buy glasses. Along with this my birthday is coming up but what kid wants glasses for their birthday? Shit, well happy fuckin birthday heres some glasses. Yay, I totally cannot wait. Damnit! This really sucks. I don't even wanna fucking write anymore, SHIT!

VVench


*blah, well Rick is getting his stimulus check and he is saying tha he may be able to pay for half or at least some of it. I don't know, I don't want him spending all of his money on getting me glasses. I hope T.J will have mercy and maybe considered getting them for me payback free. I doubt it, oh well, my fault for putting myself in this position.*

Fuckin' A Thug Love

Listening to Thug Love by Bone Thugs N Harmony and Tupac. Badass motherfuckin song, go Bizzy!

Well I sit here after having an argument about cleanliness. Honestly I hate fucking cleaning, I will remain reasonably clean but if there's a few fuckin clothes out and some shit I ain't gonna fuckin' trip. This motherfucker is angry because I accidently left out a fuckin c.d. Like, chill the fuck out please? I told him to fuck off so I think he is mad, maybe :)> I dunno, don't care all to much about wha is pissin him off. I dunno...

Shawell, I am all into this whole college and GED shite. Reading up on supplies and crap. I am such a dork. Whenever I become interested in something I always do everything I can to find out the smallest of details and I get super pissed when I can't get the information I search for. I am nervous about starting these evening classes. It'll be from 6:30 to 8:00pm. The firs pamphlet I got said tha there would be AM and PM classes but I go to website and it says there are only evening classes. Sooooo I guess I gotta do it. I jus hope my teacher is better than the one at Progressive. I don't want another teacher tha cannot pronounce words. Tha was horrid. Well I gotta pee and poo so Imma go
:D

VVench

Fuckity Shittity

I am sitting here typing without really feeling it, want to listen to music but alas, no headphones. I feel like there is something at my fingertips tha I need to let out but I am not quite sure how to do this other than jus begin to write and see where it goes from there. I love feeling words come together with the click of a button and see words forming, it is odd. I feel odd liking it. I like to be able to see my errors and fix them instantly, and then having the program tha alarms me if I am not aware. Then ignoring these things and typing how I speak. Yet I have no emotion and feel pretty fucking numb.

Why do I feel like I am a strange person? I don't get it.

Fuck, what do I need to do? Decisions, decisions...fuck.

Stereotypical depression is bullshit. I hate fucking Mudvayne so much. SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH! Ugh, I don't know. I jus wanna punch someone out and do some fucking damage to myself again and again and again. I want to fucking jump off the walls and land somewhere hard. I want to knock shit down and smoke a fucking cigarette. I wanna listen to anything and not hear someone bitch.

Why is it so fucking hard to sit there and listen to someone elses music? I hate it when people cannot sit and listen to someone elses shit and shut the fuck up and respect no matter what it is, because whatever it is it means something to tha person. Everyone makes fun of shit which is why I have gotten to the point where I force myself to try to like anything. I will not blatantly sit there and mock your shit unless it is clearly downright bullshit.

I don't fuckin know I hate trying to type in my fucking blog and have my boyfriend stare at me, wondering if I am speaking to people and glarin like a motherfucker. Bangin shit around cause he is pissed. I don't know. I jus wanna fuckin punch something. Don't wanna even check my mail cause a this dude. Shite.

I am a fucking pussy.

I Don't Know!

Weeeell I am listening to Empty Walls by Serj Tankian, he is a good guy. Crazi motherplucker, I love the video! So goose bumpy! Well In a moment I am about to watch Sweeney Todd. It is a great fucking movie. I am reading American Psycho AGAIN! I have no idea how many times I have read this fucking book. It is soo great, in fact here is a passage!

"I pause, stand up straight, run a hand over my face, breathe in and then lean back down. "Listen to me..." I breathe in again. "They've got midgets in there." I point with a thumb back at the brownstone. "Midgets who are about to sing 'O Tannebaum'..." I look at him imploringly, begging for sympathy, at the same time looking appropriately frightened. "Do you know how scary that is? Elves"-I gulp-"harmonizing?" I pause then quickly ask, "Think about it.""

Yeah I love Pat Bateman. I wish he was real :(

Yeah I don't know reading a book like tha gives me hope tha there have to be psychotics out there who have the need to jus fucking STAB SOMEONE IN THE FUCKING EYE AND WATCH THE BLOOD FLOW

I cannot be the only one who gets these ridiculous urges!

Fuckity Fuckity Enemy Scars on Broadway

Well I am ecstatic about one thing! Daron Malakian has his own band! YAY! AAAAND SOAD DID NOT BREAK UP! FUCK YEAH! I love it! They are all jus gonna go and do their own thing.

So I sit here listening to Enemy by SOB thinking about the fact tha now I cannot get online or on computer period without bitchy glares from boyfriend. He is constantly wondering what I'm doing and hardly speaking to me if I am on the comp. For certain things he read have him questioning me and whatnot and constant anger and shit. This is why he needs to go. Damnit.

Well....

Ricardo has discovered my 'horrible secret'! DUH DUH DUUUH!

He read my e mail when I let him use the computer to download some songs. Normally I would be pissed, but he talked to me calmly and didn't get all pissy which is prolly what I would have done had the situation been reversed. He saw all the shite I talk with me Esky. So through out las night he kept asking me things randomly like why can't I trust him as much as I trust someone I don't even physically know. Why is it he must be so negative and be so sure that everyone is horrible and lying deceitful whores? I would not say it to him simply because he will deny it but I don't feel lied to, I do not feel as though I have been deceived. I don't understand why he must be so questioning and negative. Whatever....

I keep having to randomly leave. BLAH!

It seems like it has been forever since I have gotten out a good ranting. I can't control my fingers they want to type quicker and delve into the literary shite. FUCK

Calm down Vez, les take this slow. A slow jaaam. Yes, I need to FUCKING LET IT ALL OUT! I love Tampico. I don't know what to say I am at a lost for words and do not know what to speak. Jus jamming and drinking and being hungry and wondering and hoping and killing feedingbleedingbreathingneedingfeedingdegradingwonderingspasmichatelove
fuckingclothesloudmusicblaringneverendingdreamsareedeceivingnever
goingtowakeup


VVench

Fuckin A

Weeell, here I sit think of odds and ends. I have told Rick to leave in two days or less, whatever. I sit here thinking of work and friends who AREN'T RESPONDING! So yeah, I think I am about to go outside and smoke some poooot. Please won't ya come and ease my mind? Reason for me to find you, piece of mind, what can I do? To get me to you...

Yoko Kanno is a badass despite her assssian heritage.

Poem

so never be ashamed of what you've written on yourself
don't hide those which makes you truly yourself
why must you be ashamed?
of what gift was given?
take it and behold
or rid the world of your selfish want of something you don't really have
ungrateful for what you have
never truly loving what y ou are
you are a beast of Hell
get back bastard

V the Wench

I Hate Everything About You

Yeah, it's true I do. I love this computer. Fuckin A Rancid! WOOH!

Only when I stop to think about it....I hate everything about you, why do I love you? You hate everything about me, why do you love me?

Oi tha song has way too much meaning to way too many people.

Well I am going to my interview for Kohls soon, I am super frikkin nervous! When I come back I will reprise the interview for ya, piece by piece. Oh my I am nervoooous!

Well Yoshi's Island ROCKS, I suck though. Always having to save state. I can't find a working dreamcast, sega saturn, or sega genesis emulator! It's super annoying. I jus wanna play some games. Though I do need to get one of those remotes you hook up to the computer in order to play them. I wonder where I can find those at. Oh my I have to pee. This sucks. JUST GOT WIIIIICKEEEED! I can't explain this little man, taking over...

Cold rocks the cats box for reals.

All About Us

So I changed my site to fit with the mood I've had of late. I am happy, I am typing this blog on my new/old computer! Yay Dell desktop! I sit here eating pizza rolls after having set up my shit and downloading required things, scuh as mozilla, aim, ect,. I am happy for I have never had a computer of my own. Now I have a nice black one. I received this as a gift from my brother who received it from my aunt and uncle who are ridiculously rich, though they did work very hard for what they have.

You see even though my uncle is a millionaire(hell yeah i can say that) he grew up with not so much money and so did his wife. So today they carry good morals and values and raise their kids well. They are part of my inspiration to fucking do something. Make some fucking money. I don't know about all this rule abiding and children having and such. I jus wan some fuckin money. Yes, my sin is greed. I will die once I lose my pound of flesh, no bone, no cartilage, but only flesh.


V