Depressiiiooon

Well I am a fucking slob!

Gives You Hell - All American Rejects

I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight which I did not even realize until, like, four fucking people had to point it out. My Mom, my boyfriends Mom, my sister, and I am sure others think it and just don't say it. I feel sickly and disgusted by myself. I am gonna start surviving on these slim fast drinks, buy a few cases and walk and so forth, borrow my brothers bike to ride and so forth.

Everything is tight on me and my stomach bulges and I find it disgusting, I can't stand to look at myself and I understand why Rick rarely fucks me, though he claims this to be related to his paranoia, which I am sure has some relevance but I know my looks do not help the matter. I have been cutting so much and he gets angry for this. Don't blame him, it is stupid emo shit.

I'm never gonna dance again, these guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it's easy to pretend, I know you're not a fool. I should have known better than to cheat a friend, and waste the chance that I've been given, so I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you. Time can never mend, the careless whispers of a good friend. To the heart of mine, ignorance is kind, there's no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find. ~ Careless Whisper - George Michael/Seether

I love that song, sometimes accurately describe how I feel. I also love jitterbug by Wham! lol :P

I need to download Zoolander! =O

Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law is my new favourite show, though it's already run it's course. Haha! Dislocation! Phil Ken Sebben is the best!

Wow this is a random ass post.

Well I am to be a business woman. And I have told my kin this, they were shocked and I was blunt. Painfully so even for myself. Newho, adios loves

Imp C

Meaning and things of some relativity

Arrested in Shanghai

Well I am wondering things. I will be taking my test soon because if I don't get into school I will be taken off fathers insurance. I am glad for this, I fear my own laziness and am glad for the incentive, something I have never really had.

Well I think I would like to own an apartment complex. A nice business that I could have run by a maintenance guy, and then I'd do accounting and all things officie, my schooling would be for this. Then I'd have my art on the side. Maybe I could paint the building, and each door. Make it unique place for individuals of true value to reside. I want to draw, do something that I love and earn from it. I don't need anything beyond my means but God I would love to do that.

And I know it is not impossible, or even remotely out of reach. Let us use the magical thinking and trust in your own belief for your desires. Constant thinking of achieving your goal, and working towards it.

I have cut myself quite a lot, but I've concealed it when needed. I am trying to become healthy.

I got wasted on Smirnoff and threw up a shit load in the toilet at Rick's. Fun.


I truly cannot remember the last time I had sex. I am disturbed by this fact and hope it is caused by two depressions being combined into a volatile relationship of years.

What is life and death, is this all that there is? Is there a point?

I take that back. Let's stop this needless drama.

Love
Imp

Tired and Weary?

Those are two of the same I do believe. I am so fucking exhausted now that I have gotten up to write something.

I have pictured an idea for a first of a gallery I would like to make. That is right ladies and gentlemen, I want to truly be a fucking artist. All I can do correctly is show my feelings through my odd creations and I wish to breath life into these and become known for them. I will make this happen. It is called magical thinking.

I want to get some oil pastels and a wide variety of color pencils, art pencils of different blacks, good sharpeners, powerful erasers, a large easel and have a dream come true. This is what it would be for me to be able to eventually profit from this. A dream. A true dream and goal.

A have made past mistakes of ignoring my flaws, leaving me to believe I could do something I could not, least without years and years of studying(medicine). Now I know this is something near to me, just how to get your things out there. How to get people to notice you. I need a solid job and career to pay for my dream, which I will do. Something office wise to keep me decently paid. I will do this. I must, it is all I can do.

Love you all
Me

Roxanne

You don't have to put on that red light!

Man, do I hate hookers! :P

Newhos..., I have been kicking ass at Bioshock, such fuckin fun, I could play that game a thousand times and not get tired. The voice acting is so good, along with the weapons and fighting style, never gets boring. Enemies are constantly challenging.

I downloaded the theme song from House M.D. :O :D Aweesomeness.

So I am on a diet of yogurt, carrots, strawberries, juice, waters, coffee, nicotine and weed. Occasional goldfish snacking. I got lettuce but I'm hoping it only tasted shitty because it was warm. I wanted soymilk but I couldn't find any :/

There's no point to this diet but to lose some damned weight, I will try to exercise but I cannot be consistent enough.

I am occasionally highly disgusted by myself. I also have a razor, brand new and sharp, but I've resigned from using it so far, then again I really haven't had a strong urge. I hope there are few to come.

Downloading Jimmy by Tool, turns out this was the name to the song I'd been looking for for forever! Lots of fors there....

Weeeeell I am dirty and must wash, reading House of Sand and Fog btw and is incredibly good and addictive, I don't understand why I am not done with it yet. I've gotten slower at reading :( Must regain speed! Anyway, I am going to plug in my psp so must unplug internet. Love you Loves
Adios

Imp C

Career Confusion

So I was taking this career test and it asks what area you want to work in, okay understandable though frustrating, but then it asks the specific area. How am I supposed to know that if I am taking the fucking test?

Well I already know I want to become a Medical Assistant and then something worth more cash. Medical Assistants in the south make about $26,000 a year. Very good compared to what I am making now, obviously. Still I want something earning me a huge pay check of AT LEAST $60,000. Though I want to find something making me $100,000. I want to be very comfortable but not ridiculously rich because the majority of rich people are fucking assholes. Okay I take that back, generalizing is always wrong. But still, I've met few rich folk who are good people.

I think I've found what I want. Anesthesiologist Assistant. $95,000-$100,000. SWEET!!!

As I have said, or maybe I haven't. I had been considering a career as an actual Anesthesiologist for quite a while, but I am concerned as to whether or not I will be up to all the studying, so I am still not sure about this until I actually get to school. And of course everyone is incredibly doubtful in the worst way.

Anesthesiologist Assistant Career Description: Anesthesiologist assistants (AAs) are members of the anesthesia care team who have completed an accredited academic and clinical training program. The Anesthesiologist Assistant works under the direct supervision of an Anesthesiologist, and administers various forms of anesthetics to patients undergoing surgery. The Anesthesiologist Assistant responsibilities may include:

* Pretesting and calibrating of anesthesia delivery systems and monitors
* Collecting preoperative data and performing physical examinations
* Inserting venous, arterial and other invasive catheters
* Any duties which encompass assistance of the implementation of the anesthetic plan as prescribed by the anesthesiologist
* Airway management including intubation, fiber optics
* Making anesthetic adjustments using intraoperative monitoring modalities
* Providing safe transition from operating room to recovery area
* Performing functions in the intensive care unit and pain clinic
* Participating in administrative affairs, research and clinical instruction

Wow, that sounds scary as Hell lol. Still incredibly interesting and very well paid. I am wondering, though, how long it will take. I would need 2,500 hours it says. How long is that college and uni wise? Hmm, must seek more info!

Oh shit, there's only four schools for AA's, and non are in Texas! Wtf?! Gah! I need help :'(

Well Surgical Assistants are well paid, about $51,000. I think I am gonna have to go into Medical Degree, M.D bitches. I must, it's the only way I can become so paid. I know a girl whose becoming a doctor, probably a neurologist she says, and she can't even read any books until spring break because shes so busy studying. Ugh, I wish I could be studying now. UGH WTF BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!

I am angry at myself, I want to be better, smarter, etc., I need training!

Loves guys and gals!
Imp C

My Bad!

Haven't posted anything in a while it seems! Been spinning in and out!

I had a crush on an Indian girl =O then I lost it because she said she couldn't spare a bowl when I was told she had bought a baggie earlier in the day. I am sparing with my weed and have always spared cigarettes when I was low, so I don't appreciate it. Not to mention she is an odd one, refusing to take my last cigarette if I offer it and so forth, she is strange yet alluring and loud and very skinny. I wonder if she is anorexic, can't afford food, or just has a ridiculous metabolism. I wonder and wonder...

Still, nonetheless and albeit are strange words yet I like them!

Anyway, I want to get this girls e mail and exchange thoughts. She is studying psychology and wanting to become a neurologist. Not odd since she's Indian but odd because she lives in incredibly ghetto apartments with her abusive boyfriend. It's an odd mix, and they are quite explosive, especially when alcohol mixes. Anywho!

Rick is being a bit pissy constantly complaining because he left his weed out and the cats knocked it down, even though I had been telling him to put the shit up and instead he leaves it out and there ya go! So we are weedless, cigaretteless, I AM getting $7 from Lacey so hopefully I can find someone to spare me a dime and then let me pay them $3 back later on.

Well oddly enough I began cleaning my room, I have taken out all the dirty clothes and thrown away enough stuff to make an immovable trash bag. I've swept it all and have a bit left, but for the most part the difference is miraculous. I feel glad for the kitties that they have cleanness now. Apparently my brother has found someone to take a black cat, and so have my boyfriend, so then that'll leave me with my super sweet male tabby called Pikachu. I am considering keeping him. I would need to get him fixed because Rick has four cats and he is going crazy, so I will take my JiJi and Motor back once he is fixed.

I called to inquire about my GED taking. It will cost $41 and there is a (LAME) mandatory orientation and some other shit I have to do before taking it, but apparently they are full for March so it will be in April. I am almost positive I will fail the writing section. Though I intend to do my best, my best was not good enough last time.

Anyway, going to play BioShock I suppose. There's nothing here to eat, I am quite hungry...:/

Calling my Mom, trying to get her to bring home some food. Egh, though I don't want pizza nor cinnabons. Egh, so hungry :(

Love Love
Imp C V K