Where could he be?

I went to the apartments and Rick was nowhere to be found. I am sure he wasn't sleeping, unless he was completely and utterly wasted, which is a possibility but I have a strong feeling this is not the case. I have other deep feelings that something very wrong is going on, or has. I feel as though I need to leave him. My paranoia is really taking hold. It's never been so strong before, I used to not really have a trust issue with him but not my mind won't stop and I want to rip my fucking brain out and I want to cry and I want to be held and I need love and I need him and I don't know what to do anymore.

Don't be alarmed. Tomorrow I will buy some knives. The good thing about cutting is that it can be hidden from all, in fact I probably won't write about this again because I don't want to hear shit from anyone thinking I'm looking for attention. This is my fucking blog so I am going to state what I want.

Newho, the thing about cutting is that if your mind is driving you nuts, as mine often does, you can cut and your endorphins are released and you can calm down again. I believe this will be a time of abusing my stomach or legs, probably stomach, I don't want anyone seeing what I do to myself. I've got so many scars, I won't mind more, not for my own safety at least.

I truly despise this bipolar disease which makes everything horrible and wicked and so damn depressing. Sometimes I wish for blissful ignorance to fall on me but then realize I would lose the very few meaningful connections I have.

I cannot look at a family members face without reliving my own silent nightmare of molestation. Because knowing what's gone on leads to an open door of horrible thoughts that I cannot stop. Thoughts that literally make me grab or shake my head, make me look away from the person. I feel like some horrible freak who should be taken away from my family and children, for fear that I should damage them more than I have. I know I am a bastard, such a fucking bastard. I've destroyed so much and created so little. I can truly say I have three connections, one being Rick, one being someone I've never even met, and the other is one who probably considers me just a friend, not a good one, but a friend.

I want a cigarette and the fattest joint ever made. I will get these items tomorrow and I will smoke like I've never smoked before. Now I am going to write my story for a bit, add in details, maybe if I deam it good enough I'll post a bit for you.

Love Loves
VAK