Feel Lonesome and Lost

I feel as though I am losing people I was once close with.

Someone who I talk to online is saying things such like, I am on talking to him but always doing something and always leaving. I left Shawna's house early and didn't tell her or call her, she has not been online or called me. Amy is telling me all the reasons why I should leave Rick and now I jus don't feel like doing anything.

I feel like if he leaves I will be alone, have the responsibility of keeping the pets fed and clean, taking care of the room and then in August I will be taking GED classes and I am currently trying to get another job. I am not gonna have a bed or tv. No huge dresser so I don't know what I will be doing with my huge amount of clothes. I am scared to be alone, obviously, I don't know how I will turn out after this. I feel love for him but it is dwindling every time he doubts me and says harsh things. I am breaking and unable to take this.*and he would take the A/C*

I suppose on the positive hand I will be able to do whatever and not worry about what Rick is thinking. Though this scares me because I do not want to become reckless and careless. I will have A LOT more room since his table, bed, and dresser take up a good sixty-five percent of the room. I can see friends more often and do whatever I want online without pissing him off. Luckily I now have a few weed connections.

I am scared of what is to come. What I will do, such as my kittens. I have six kittens that I will have to find homes for. I have to get rid of my kitten, the mother and her newer kittens. Not to mention Rick has to take his cat or take her to CAPS himself. Or give me the money to do it. Another thing is Rick is going to have to come back eventually to get his bed, dresser, and table. So I will look forward to that. I also need to go somewhere once I do it. I think it is going to be tomorrow and I think I will first call Amy and tell her what I am doing and then break the news to Rick and hopefully Amy will be willing to pick me up so I won't have to be here.

I don't want to hurt him! We have been through so much and doing this to him seems so wrong, but honestly, I feel as though he has been plenty heartless to me before so maybe I should try it out.

All I know is I am going to need a good amount of weed and some new anti anxiety meds. This busparin shit don't cut it. It jus makes me feel all dizzy like. But since I told my Mum in the doctors office tha I wanted to be an anesthesiologist and not deal with patients my doc made a smartass comment and has sense then seemed a little eh...

Anywho, I still feel distance between me and certain people and I want to make amends, I want to get my GED, I want to kick the SAT's ass, I wanna go to college and do something. I wanna help my animals and give them the best life I can. I hope to find a decent job ASAP. I hope I can get glasses birthday free. All I really wanna do is get some books, maybe some clothes, or maybe do something for my pets for my b day. Get some good kitty flea shampoo or something. I need to decide what I want.

i love you all

Impy