Simple Gas

Well I need to get ready to go swimming but I wanted to post something first. Why is it I find it difficult to go one day without having horrid confrontations with my significant other?
Always issues we have. I do love him now, I am jus not sure what to do. He is always paranoid and grumpy as of late. I can't do much to get him to chill either. He is always super tense and stress. OF course lets not look at the fact that Im the one with the job and the stress of supporting the animals(which i know i brought upon myself)but i desperately wish that since he is staying with me he would help beside being somewhat maid like and angry all the time.

He is always assuming i am talking to "my boyfriend" and such, what the hell is that shit about hmm? why would i have a fucking boyfriend. I made a mistake with tim which is not going to happen again. I wish he could trust me I really do. Damn this is frustrating and it seems like this is the shit I always talk about. It's amazing how you can say things online that you could never say in person. I find it so hard to verbally get my thoughts out, at least correctly, but here it's like I have all the time to figure out what the fuck is wrong. I can see how people say this shit is therapeutic. I jus hope none of my family or irl friends find this. I don't want to worry about people bombarding me with questions about whats wrong and shit. I'll figure it out myself, I did that when I had an actual therapist and I will continue to try to fix my own fucked up problems.

When I was thirteen I used to desperately hope for amnesia. I wanted to get away from the fact that love is fake and friends lie and people are killed and tortured every fucking day because no one can cherish a God damn thing anymore. I want to inform. I want to stop this madness of killing and hurting and hold them all. Shh shh babies sleep silent. With machine guns and bombs going off in your dreams. We cannot escape this war torn world and few lucky will leave with a clean conscious. The lucky are the children who die young and are not perverted and left stained by this dirty dog eat dog world.

Why are people so fucking idiotic? Why do people think that because you work at a fucking restaurant you are below them? What kind of semi intelligent person would even think this? Yet constantly wealthy people come in and talk to me like a child and refuse to look me in the eye or even say hi as i greet them at the door. At work I am very polite and as nice as I can manage, which is pretty fuckin good for someone as cynical as me. Yet people look at the ground or carefully avoid my eyes. Some dont even respond and then later come up to me for a table after ignoring the shit out of me when you know they fuckin heard you. What do I do in these situations? NIne times out of ten I turn around and pretend I dont notice them until THESE bitches get MY attention. Just to see if they like it. Honestly, how do you jus blatantly ignore a HUMAN BEING. YES rich people out there, hostesses and waiters ARE people just LIKE YOU. Surprise fucking surprise.

I wish to one day rise above all the shit thats been put in front of me and do something really fucking great, even if its jus fuckin graduating from a university, though my hope is that it ill be a medical university. Then as I stand over ex patients to put them to sleep they will wonder if theyll ever wake up from surgery. Most of them won't.

this sucks

I wish i could be talking to my friend. i feel lonely with someone i shouldnt. i wish i could be with someone i think i know. confusion will beat you down when nothing else will. i love my friends
i am sorry of my sudden departure hopefully ill write in an hour or so

i feel lonely and to the point of frenzy

Confusion on a lonely night

I am dealing with someone who seems to have a constant issue with me. Why do I put up with this shit?
I have ways to take care of myself. He is not a necessity at this point. What keeps me with him other than the past and all the secrets we share of each other? I don't know damnit. I am forever confused. What should I do?
I wish I knew, or someone could just give me the answer I am searching for. However, do I maybe know the answer but I am just to scared to face it alone? No matter how many people say they have my back I will always be alone in this decision, and the consequences that will follow. I feel so very scared.

Acid Bath

Acid Bath Lyrics

Graveflowe

Like Murder
Stoned I awoke in your temple
To blackness above you
And death beside me
Where kitchen knives conspire
Razor blades make bloodless love
Like Murder
The ghost of a pale girl is solemnly following me
Pale will she follow me
Into the sea
I feel the flowers screaming
To consume you
Like Murder
Earth and sky your cradle
Earth and sky entomb you
And death beside me
I burrow through the dust
In your skull
But I cannot seem to find your soul
Bloodless and numb
We orbit the sun
Hungry will this pale thing
Follow me into the sea
On the cold side of her face
The reptiles awake
Locust swarm from open mouths
That sing thy kingdom come
While blackness hums
Nothing is true
and I'm tired of your sad today
You're screaming because
There's nothing left for you to say
Bloodless and numb
We orbit the sun
Hungry will this pale thing
Follow me into the sea
Stoned I awoke in your temple
To blackness above you
And death beside me
Where kitchen knives conspire
Razor blades make bloodless love
Like Murder

I Duno

once at midnight
i will ring myself to look upon you
and my thoughts will swim
naked nightmares cross my vision
and memories won't let me be
as my mind races and my pulse threatens
I can hardly deny my fist punishment
beat myself into senselessness
unconsciousness
I no longer wish to be here
with all the pain
and piercing memories
which haunt to the point of insanity
just leave me be
for one night
i take the white pill
and the memories are gone
I am gone a little more and more

Talking to old acquaintences

So I just got the phone number of my friend Amy-San. I called her and we had a surprisingly un-awkward conversation. I was glad to speak with her again. I felt bad about not talk to her since I left the Pet store, we were very close. Whenever we worked the same shift we'd ride to and fro together since I lived on the way to her house. Now she lives much closer and she is going to call me tomorrow, I imagine we will be hanging out soon. I am nervous but also excited to see her. She makes me think of how I want to be when I'm twenty eight, I hope I am not over exaggerating her age >.<, if so I mean not Amy-San!

Well I have continued my plight of anti americanism by jogging again today but I feel very weak. I can only jog up and down the full lengh of my street three times before I have to take a lenghy break, and then after my legs feel numb yet jell-o like and I can barely run half the way without feeling exhausted. BLAH! Oh yes, and I can only do twenty lifts of eight pound weights >.< I AM WEAK! Though, I do, do lifts throughout the day, so in all I atleast do sixty, but I try to do it whenever I think about it. I am on the road to better health yet! I feel proud and ashamed. Proud of trying and ashamed of how weak I've let myself become. I must not let myself fall into the abyss of depression and fatness! I am so fucking poetic. Well, if anyone reads this, I love you and be careful, the world is a dangerous and fucked up place.

V

Crazy Hamsters and Monsters Inc,.

I really want to see Wall-e, that movie looks super bad ass :). Monsters Inc was just on reg tv channel 13. Great fuckin movie no matter how old you are. Well my hamster is trying desperately to get out of this spinny ball. Should I let her out? I dunno, she's a bitch to all my other hamsters. Oh well...so my boyfrien is threatening to hack into my computer and such, it's not even mine, it's my brothers. He thinks I am going to start socializing online. Cheating or some stupid shit. Like, I have nothing to hide but it's frustrating knowing that he is going into my business anyway. I think I am going to ask my brother if there is a way to put a password on it. I am super irritated now, FUCK!

I don't KNOW

Why can't I just stay locked away
In the cage that is my mind where
If I want I can find
the tombs of thousands lost
Inside my head
not quite safe
do not journey if you do not know
I believe one day
here I will return
locked inside a shell
no one can enter
and I cannot leave
but that is okay with me

Exercise Freak

Well I've become very anti-american. I am jogging at least every other day and go to my friends gym as much as possible. Maybe this will become my new vice. In fact I believe it already has. I find it so relaxing and sometimes almost like a form of self mutilation. Running until it's hard to breathe and my legs ache in exhaustion. Pushing yourself harder and harder. Though I honestly feel as though I am not pushing myself as hard as I could. I must have what psychologist refer to as an addictive personality. Anything I gain some interest in I then become obsessed, addicted to ideas, to clothes, movies, shows, lifestyles, music, exercising, etc,. What will be my next addiction I wonder....

I wish I could pick an choose these addictions as my mind does, unknowingly of me. How nice it would be to become addicted to working and studying, instead of having to force myself to focus on the pages in my GED home study guide. However, I am not so lucky. I will now try to force knowledge upon my impending brain. Goodbye non existent readers! ^_^

Finally a real computer

What is there for me to do now? i must work very hard from now on. i need to find a new job, study and continue with my exercise regime. i hope i can become a better person, one capable of loving and not hurting so. i want to help people become better and realize their horrid ways. i don't understand, and yet i do, how people can be so wicked. what drives a person to be so hateful to someone they do not even know. why do people act this way? do they really think that money or education entitles you to treat others as though they are lesser creatures? i just don't understand it....i have had a reasonably difficult life, though not as difficult as some and i suppose this allows me to have a different view than those born wealthy and mostly problem free. Not saying wealthy people do not have problems but they do not face the dread of wondering how you will survive, how you will clothe and feed yourself. why is it these people find it so hard to view life from a different perspective? i find it very easy to look at a person and assume reasonably accurate things about people from gestures, clothes the way they walk and talk. the ability to read people well is a gift i enjoy and hate. what can i do...every time i study a person for the slightest amount of time i can tell something about them. i wonder if i will some day be able to use this for something good. i hope.