Feel Lonesome and Lost

I feel as though I am losing people I was once close with.

Someone who I talk to online is saying things such like, I am on talking to him but always doing something and always leaving. I left Shawna's house early and didn't tell her or call her, she has not been online or called me. Amy is telling me all the reasons why I should leave Rick and now I jus don't feel like doing anything.

I feel like if he leaves I will be alone, have the responsibility of keeping the pets fed and clean, taking care of the room and then in August I will be taking GED classes and I am currently trying to get another job. I am not gonna have a bed or tv. No huge dresser so I don't know what I will be doing with my huge amount of clothes. I am scared to be alone, obviously, I don't know how I will turn out after this. I feel love for him but it is dwindling every time he doubts me and says harsh things. I am breaking and unable to take this.*and he would take the A/C*

I suppose on the positive hand I will be able to do whatever and not worry about what Rick is thinking. Though this scares me because I do not want to become reckless and careless. I will have A LOT more room since his table, bed, and dresser take up a good sixty-five percent of the room. I can see friends more often and do whatever I want online without pissing him off. Luckily I now have a few weed connections.

I am scared of what is to come. What I will do, such as my kittens. I have six kittens that I will have to find homes for. I have to get rid of my kitten, the mother and her newer kittens. Not to mention Rick has to take his cat or take her to CAPS himself. Or give me the money to do it. Another thing is Rick is going to have to come back eventually to get his bed, dresser, and table. So I will look forward to that. I also need to go somewhere once I do it. I think it is going to be tomorrow and I think I will first call Amy and tell her what I am doing and then break the news to Rick and hopefully Amy will be willing to pick me up so I won't have to be here.

I don't want to hurt him! We have been through so much and doing this to him seems so wrong, but honestly, I feel as though he has been plenty heartless to me before so maybe I should try it out.

All I know is I am going to need a good amount of weed and some new anti anxiety meds. This busparin shit don't cut it. It jus makes me feel all dizzy like. But since I told my Mum in the doctors office tha I wanted to be an anesthesiologist and not deal with patients my doc made a smartass comment and has sense then seemed a little eh...

Anywho, I still feel distance between me and certain people and I want to make amends, I want to get my GED, I want to kick the SAT's ass, I wanna go to college and do something. I wanna help my animals and give them the best life I can. I hope to find a decent job ASAP. I hope I can get glasses birthday free. All I really wanna do is get some books, maybe some clothes, or maybe do something for my pets for my b day. Get some good kitty flea shampoo or something. I need to decide what I want.

i love you all

Impy

WHAT WHAT WHAAAT

I will NEVER EVER leave you my loverly blog! I LOVER YOU!

I love when Jim Carrey played home boy on Lemony Snicket, twas HILARIOUS!

I love ranomosity. I love Chrono Cross soundtrack and I love the idea of tatts! So far I want five. Sonic, Brand, Blue Seed, JTHM, and Smiley face :D.

So I am either getting my tatt(the brand) later tonight or jus on my birthday, unless the guy(Jesse) comes back before then and I have money I'll probably get it done. I am nervous but still REALLY excited. I love Rick's tatts! I jus wish he didn't find them all unattractive :/.

Tattoo Tonight....Scared!

Well in a hour or so, should be an hour by this point, I am gonna go down the street and get my first ink! I have the picture posted above, it isn't exactly what I am getting but what I want. Then Rick is getting two tatts so I kinda want another one as well. If the first one goes fine, I presume. I will post a pic of both I want. Actually I already posted one of JTHM(Johnny the Homicidal Maniac), I want him and the dough boys but not the whole picture.

The story behind my firs tatt has some meaning from where it came from and why I am getting it. First, where it came from. In the series Berserk, there is a guy named Guts who joins the Band of the Hawk. The leader is named Griffith. Well Griffith is a bad ass who will do anything for his troupes and is basically an awesome fighter who no one can defeat. Now he has something he got when he was young called a Behelidit head. It summons the Godhand. Which are three evil Gods. Basically he has to give up sacrifices, say "I sacrifice.." whomever and then they are all killed by horrible demons and before hand driven insane by it all. So Griffith ends up turning in his own troupes to these Gods and they are all killed after being marked by the Brand of the Godhand. Which is the tatt I am getting. Only two people survive, one is crazy(his female interest, Casca) and the other is almost a mute, bad ass fighter, Guts. So whenever evil approaches it begins turning red and eventually bleeding. Pretty intense I find. So he had his on the side of his neck and mine is either going to be on the back of my neck or my back. I don't knoooow!

So the reason I am getting it? My hidden deep meaning? Not all to deep. When I got into this series and played the game it was one of the few things in life I enjoyed at the time. It is also an emotional and brutal journey these characters go through and you can feel the authors emotion through his work. So yeah, also the reason why I am getting my second tattoo, middle of my back somewhat lower. The Brand will be somewhat on my neck, I think the three lines on top will, and the rest will go down.

So yeah, excited and scared! Wish me luck! Lots of love,

Impy-san

I Feel Hungry and Shitty

Well my fault through keeping my boyfriend I am always signing off AIM whenever he walks into the room. Even though I am not even talking to the person he doesn't want me talking to. I keep leaving friends at crucial moments. Yesterday was the worse. Someone was depressed and was about to tell me about it and then another friend was describing their mental problem. What is wrong with me? Why do I bend so easily to ones will? I am so hungry but I do not want to eat. I feel fat from all the shit I have eaten in the last few days. I feel tired too. I think I have cigarette and coffee...

Oh yeah, I don't know if someone was there or not when I logged on today but he didn't respond, I hope he isn't ignoring me but I get the feeling tha could be it. I am an ass >.<. Shit, I feel crappy, Imma go...

Imp

Kinda Pissed

So I found this site where they basically bitch out kids for cutting themselves and or trying to kill themselves. Granted, some kids are annoying and trying to get attention. Though wouldn't you think for a child to go tha extreme something is obviously wrong with them? It isn't that they FAILED AT LIFE! It's tha someone severely fucked them up or they have some comprehending of some shit tha you will never understand.

I am a fucking cutter. I don't do it for show. I don't hope people will ask and point it out. Fucking thoughts cannot be stopped and the only way to end the flow of fucked up thought is by distracting your mind. The only way to know you won't fucking forget some stupid ass shit you did was to MAKE yourself remember FORCE IT UPON YOURSELF. So you leave a scar and you will NEVER forget. Some of us might be pussies but do you know what it takes to sit there and carve and sit in your fucking mind trying to wake yourself up?

veZ

West Oaks Drug Dependency

Raoul Duke: Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's, and fast heel-toe work.

Dedicated to Eskified.

I don't know why but I have an urge to get out what it was like in the hospital so I am going to do my best to describe the day to day routine we all had there. All of us crazis in the adolescent unit.

So there are two units for adol., the other, I think it was section 4, held the more intense bad kids. So I suppose we were spose to be calm or something.

So the day in question. It started with me waking up to my father and my therapist, Desiree, standing over me telling me to get up. They were going to take me to the hospital. I slowly began to remember things from the night before. How I had taken a bottle of Xanax and was so fucked up. I remember crying as I gathered a few things in my purse not knowing what I would need. Well we first drove to West Oaks and I didn't speak the whole ride up, I felt so fucking betrayed by them.

When we got there and they told them my situation they said that I would have to go to the hospital first and have some tests done to make sure there wouldn't be anymore effects from the drugs. So I went there and the testing lasted all day. They did something called a rainbow test where they filled up different coloured cartidges from one syringe. By eight or nine at night my dad and sister went with me in the ambulance to west oaks which was kinda spooky in a way. The EMT's were these two really sweet ladies though who told me not to worry and tha parents can be crazi and whatnot, my mother was in jail at the time for shoplifting. So I went in and got my picture taken and sat in the waiting room until the little interview. Soon I was in the adolescent headquarters. It was one huge room lined with rooms on both sides, in one area was a t.v behind plastic and some seats, there was also a fold out table where most of the kids were sitting then, talking and joking. After I was told my room, and given the basic hygene supplies, I put my things up and went and decided to be un shy for once and as I approached the table I heard someone say "Crack head" So I began to inquire about crack and thus met Allie, Courtnay, Jack, Erin and I cannot remember the other two.

It was so odd waking up in a strange place alone because I did not have a roommate. They awoke me at 6:30 am for vitals and whatnot. Then I had to get a blood test with another girl who had come in earlier in the day, this was Amanda and we were good friends. We both freaked out because we were afraid of needles. So once this was done I would join the other girls on the couches watching t.v. Whatever we could watch without getting in trouble. Occasionally we could sneak Family Guy.

Breakfast was at 7:30, lunch 11:30, and I think dinner was at 7:30 pm or something. The food was really the only thing you could look forward to. Though sometimes there wouldn't be a thing I could stand to eat and those days sucked.

Every other day or so we would go outside. There was a large field surrounded by a sidewalk enclosed by connecting buildings of other units. We would all go to the kids playground and talk and jus be like kids. It was nice not worrying about reality and being able to talk with other people who had fucked up problems and who were being fed meds and being forced to converse.

I get teary eyed thinking about it. It seemed simple but so sad because all of us were there because someone had done something to us. Or we had done something to ourselves to stop pain. Ashley's step mother was a real bitch and in her diary, that she hid under a floorboard, she wrote about how she would kill her stepmother real scientific like. Her step mom went in her room with a metal detector and found it. Allie was anorexic and had "anger problems". Many people were there for suicidal letters. There was one boy who had come in later on, it's so sad and I miss him. Jamie. He was bi and had tried to kill himself by taking a crap load of Lunesta and brutally slicing his wrist with a disposable razor. He ended up being transferred because his mother was a bitch and his grandmother wouldn't let him move in with her. Now he is just moving from hospice to hospice.

It saddens me to think how people can just toss their children aside and not want to see them and want them to get better and want to do everything in your power to help them. Instead they jus exile you and hope to not hear from you. We are the poor children who are found to be nuisance and pests. We cry together hug each other, dress each other up speak and rant and write poems and hear our sorrows and we are the only ones who understand this dept of sadness that breaks us down till we are five years old sitting on the floor staring blankly into nothing.

We cut our wrists and bang our heads and blast the music and write so hard we want to forget it all and be loved know we are loved and cared for and not something so easily discarded. Something so easily hurt and tortured and un cared for.

Erin was raped by her step father. Her real father is in prison. She had fantasies of killing her molester.

Every weekday they held two hour long classes tha were spose to be educational. However all we learned about were mental problems. A few questions and sometimes we would watch a movie. It was pretty random.

I remember the first time I saw Forrest Gumo was there. It was a Friday or Saturday. We had cookies and milk boxes and we all camped infront of the t.v and watched and laughed and it was fun.

Of course there were the booty shots.

Thick liquid tha they shot into your ass if you fought or wouldn't calm down. I wish I could remember the name of the boy who came to the hospital often, seemed he was always dumped by his mum and dad. He would always get angry and get tackled or climb on his door or fight in general. He gotten the shot many times and had been put in solitary confinement many times aswell. But we were a fucked up family for the few days or weeks we were there. I miss them all and my thoughts always remember the, my fucked up friends.

So after I eventually got out of the hospital I was put into in patient. Which is a whole nother story all together. :)

BLAH

Early it's five forty-one and I am listening to the Epiphany of Sweeney Todd. I swear this song is flippin awesome. I am obsessed with things like Fred and Chris Crocker. I suck. Blah Tired need coffee...

A Question to Myself

So if I want a tattoo how am I gonna stand it if I can't even make a decent size cut in myself? What is wrong with me?! BLAHDA

To Thin Freaks

So thin is beautiful? I weigh about 126 and I don't find myself an overweight freak!

Thinspiration is Disteration

So I have checked out these web sites about "Thinspiration" encouraging anorexics with tips and what not. What kinda shit is this? Damn this world is fucked, huh? I am glad I have hips and curves and am not a walking stick. Fuck that! They may be thin but can they hit? I bet you all that I can beat the shit outta ten thinspiration bitches before any of them can lay a finger on me. Let's not have anyone assume jealousy, who would be jealous of this poor thin girl above? FUCK THAT!