let it all burn

I will burn first. Am I lost in your eyes?

Lame lines from the Hollywood Undead. Nice name, right?

Anyway, today I have kept myself together on a steady diet of xanax and goldfish crackers.

I need someone so badly. I can't understand this, I feel so lost.

Rick is going to a psychiatric ward apparently.

I wish I had some paint or something. I want to create.

Calling work, dad's gonna get my check and Imma buy myself somethin pretty :) I hope they did not fuck me on my last check. Dear Lordy I do so hope. I am such a broke ass. Egh, worried now. Going to go to Dr Mc M tomorrow to get a stronger prescription.

I am away
Imp C

everything has changed

Well I have just found out that my now ex had molested my younger sister on two occasions. Nothing like oral, but touching and shit.

I ask him about this and all he says is there was a time when I was talking to other guys and he would call and talk to her for hours, and came over a few times to hang out with her. REALLY, that young of a girl? I should have known this from those stupid fucking letters but I am the worlds biggest fool.

I don't know if I can feel. or what to do. i want to sink into oblivion and feel the sweet taste of a sour throat from nicotine.

I jus dont know what to do anymore...thigns between me and him had been going good,he was treating me well, we were actually doing okay and i loved him morethan ever. then there was a knock on his door at one oclock, and it was my dad and andrew, they didnt tell me until i was in the ccar, i had to turn around, if i needed aanything it was my cds. id left them, i could even look at him, touch him or anything, im so sick. i want to rip off this flesh and his as well. i want everything to be black, i want to dissapear.forever,its all my fuckin fault. no one will say it but i know its true.

i need to be scarred forthis. forever, to remind me of the faults of men and women. the disgusting underbelly of us all. fuck it all and trust no one.
six years thrown away on a child molester.

Frustrated as all Hell

I cannot stand my nine year old niece. I almost cry over the matter. She's fucking relentless.

I don't understand why she has singled me out. She treats me like such shit, and what do other adults say when she acts this way? NO ONE cares about reprimanding her, people will tell her so lightly that what she says is rude or not nice, but no one punishes her. They assume I provoke a nine year old girl, because I love having this kind of relationship with my niece.

I am so fed up I want to bawl and just slap the shit out of her. I will do my best to not let either of these happen. I know she is a child, and one who lost her father at that, but I was always nice to Kaylie, we always had a good relationship. And now I try even harder to be nice during those few moments that she decides not to act like a complete brat.

I'm so frustrated and lost, confused, feeling empty and just so completely fuckin lost.

Why does she still seek my younger sisters attention when they've always had a bad relationship? I don't get it.

I wish I could let myself cry.

AH

I just finished reading Once is Not Enough by Jaqueline Susann. Holy Goodness, talk about a freaking awesome ending!! Gave me goose bumps. Sooo creepy! Remind me to NEVER try acid.

Listening to Creed, they are surprisingly hard for a minutely Christian band. I loooove Freedom Fighter. Excellent tune. That and What if are my favourite songs by them :)

Plans are to go to Shawna's and Ryan's this Sunday, maybe the weekend if Shawna doesn't have any plans. I hope she is not mad because I left at 4 o'clock this morning because I could not sleep and felt shitty.

GAH! I hate this fuckin laptop, I am gonna go finish this entry in my room! fuck you, laptop!

Okay here I am. I checked my desktop and apparently since Pikachu(orange tabby male kitty) felt the need to sleep on my keyboard, there was all this crap loaded up. Including something about Wizard that he almost download =O. I love my kitties :D Theyre so cute and sweet.

I woke up with a horrible headache and feeling very tense. Took a shower, then realized I had a dream about work that involved the general manager hugging me a little too close. It was really weird, I thought about work at one point before passing out, but I didn't know I'd thought about it enough to have a dream like that.

I need one of those stupid looking keyboards so as not to get the carpel tunnel syndrome. EVERYONE MUST READ ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH BY JAQUELIN SUSANN

I'm sitting on my bed, Pikachu just came up to me and put his two front paws on my shoulder and put his head against my neck, CUTEST. THING. EVER.

Anyway, Imma go attempt to play Sly Cooper 2, wish moi luck

Love Love
Imp C

Operation Insomnia

At Shawnene's. Have yet to sleep. It's, according to the COMPUTER CLOCK, 4:46 AM, but according to SHAWNENE'S clock, it's 5:32 AM. WHICH TIME IS RIGHT?!

I'm wondering if my Mum is gonna be willing to give me money. I need litter, but no cat food, have a shit load of that. So $14 for litter, and then maybe an extra bit for a pack of smokes and something. I want a poker case!

Ryan and I were playing Texas Hold'em while Shawna watched Party Monster. Was quite fun and entertaining. He had to leave though to go on a trip til Sunday, I believe. Band thing for school I am told.

I want a keyboard so bad :/.

I wonder what I'll do when Shawna leaves. It's gonna be soooo boring! I could just get picked up but it's not like there is gonna be much for me to do at home. Of course I could just start cleaning the majority of the house and study. This is a possibility. But I wonder if it's pointless to study when you have not slept.

Blargh. Coffee, yum, my stomach has shrunk! Inside, I am hardly hungry. This is good, I hate eating a lot. I feel piggish.

Today is going to last forever :/. Sucksors. Well hopefully since I have this keyboard Shawna gave me I will be able to burn a few c.d's. I need Bob Seger, Creed, what else? Postal Service, Depeche Mode, David Bowie, some old 90's stuff. Oh yeah, I only got two fuckin c.d's I can burn anyway. I might jack a couple from Shawnene cause they gots a billion.

Well lookins at keyboards, wal mart has a decent one for only $139.99. I thinks I's go with that. This way I can also get some books on, say, tom waits? :P. Though I have a feeling his shit is insanely difficult. I wonder what I could learn that wouldn't be to insanely hard....oh well

Adios
Imp C

Frustrated

I was in the living room studying for the GED test, quietly listening to Citizen Cope, a soft rock band. It was insanely quiet yet my brother had to come in there and turn the volume almost all the way down, as if the peaceful quiet music was truly making him unable to sleep. Pissed me right the fuck off.

Recovering from last night. I cried so much, for that poor man and his family. Though I do believe he can find a nother job. Luckily I had comfort or I would have done something very stupid that i wont even describe.

I think im gonna apply at petco. i really wish i could study constantly, the GED book and the ACT, just constantly. Then as soon as those aare taken care of, I could start a short course for some medicaal office type work, a short program. My sister is doing one for six weeks, if i can find one for a medical assistant with not that long of time either, I shall be pleaseD. Otherwise I will do the certified nursing assistant and bath old people for ten to fifteen dollars an hour. Damn the perverted old men :/. Money is money though, so something quick and well paid so i can pay off my ticket and get myy drivers license.

my llife seems such a scramble right now. dunno what to do. iif you cant tell i wrote this on my shitty laptop. so yeah

aggravated love
IMP C

Crazy Night

Well in short, I caused a man with a young daughter and wife to get fired. Alcohol was snuck to the hostess' and the manager found out, we both quit. I feel horrid for getting him fired. Aside from that I don't care. Me and Paige will be job hunting tomorrow. Should be fun :)

Try to keep looking up! I Love my boyfriend and my life, I must keep positive.

Love you all

imp c

A Lost Day

Well, well, well, look at where I am.

I feel if I am with someone I will go insane, and if I am alone, just as well.

Waits and Bath help, along with more music. Got a bed now, and my t.v set up. Jus need a damn remote. Will be watching Twilight Zone later, I think.

I feel a bit out of touch with everything. Floating. I wish I could go off into the woods and just sit and listen to music and drink the days away.

Last night at work I was miserable in the last hour, working alone. I kept trying to remind myself of how lucky I was to even have a job, and one that pays $8 an hour. Whenever you think your life is shitty, think of the kids growing up in the slums. Always remember that something is better than nothing, no matter how shitty it may be.

Returning and leaving old friends. Flames arising, hearts dying, same shit, different day, over and over like a repeated tape.

I need some new fuckin music. I want to hear Blue Bayou.

Love you all

Imp C

Holy Hands

Been flippin knives. Bought a blue one today, same kind. I got Holy Hands.

Got some blue Boones Farm, tippin back and drinkin up.

Listening to Tool and Waits, downloading more of the latter so I can make a complete Waits c.d. It's amazing how relaxing his music is when you're half insane.

Its like playing Johnny Johnny. But with your palm! :D

Coconut flavor alcohol is good as all hella.

My hand is shaking :/

Where the FUCK is Shawna?!?! ARGAL BARGAL

Who are you to wave your finger, you must be out your mind.

I'm finally eating, a bagel. Yummy down on this!

Two Bottles of Blue

I will be getting two more bottles tonight. I've drank so much this week. Gonna keep it goin'.

I have discovered Blue Hawaiian is definitely the best out of all the Boones Farm.

Listening to The Doors.

Rick is depressing as fuck, had to talk to him since he decided he wanted me to take one of the cats and had this long ass convo. Nothings changed for me, though I pity him. He frustrates me and I frustrate myself. I want to forget it and move on.

I want to forget anyone I've ever loved and be able to stand being alone and not feel fucking insane.

Everything is just so ridiculously fucked up. FUCK